


Three Things Left Unsaid

by AcrylicMist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, Feels, Ghosts, Humanstuck, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:26:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7814185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcrylicMist/pseuds/AcrylicMist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John buys a secondhand cellphone and starts receiving strange texts from an unknown number. This starts a summer long adventure of making new friends and trying to set things right when the first year of college is just around the corner and everything feels like its falling apart.</p><p>Edit! This is a finished work, A03 glitched out and won't let me fix the chapters so... -_-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate Title: Friends don't let Friends be Ghosts.
> 
> Hello! This is my first fanfic of any kind, so forgive me in advance for any mistakes. I'm still trying to figure this site out, but I promise I'll get the hang of it. Don't worry about the character death tag much, it happened before the start of the story.

Chapter One

Yes this is a completed story! Not sure why it still says 9? Sorry

 

My name is John Egbert, and after a long summers worth of saving up I was finally able to afford a second hand smartphone. 

The Verizon store I went to was clean and crisp, with new phones on display in booths and even fancy computers for sale for more money that I had to spare. I smiled brightly, excitement causing me to bounce up onto my toes as I eagerly waved down an employee.

“Hey miss!” I called, jogging over to where a slim woman sat behind a desk. “Do you have any older or secondhand phones for sale here?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to look at any of our newer models?” she asked. “Some of them are quite nice.”

“No mam, that’s okay.” I said.

After talking to one of the employees I was able to rifle through a box of older phones that the store had taken in to resell. Most of them were in pretty bad shape, screens shattered and cases cracked. Some were only half a phone, wires and electronical parts hanging out like butchered intestines. My fingers scraped the bottom on the deep bin, shoulder deep in broken phones so that my square glasses were knocked sideways, until I felt an undamaged one and pulled it out.

I turned the phone over carefully, closely inspecting it as I settled the black frames of my glasses back in place. It appeared nearly pristine, with a trio of scratches down one side and an old batman sticker peeling off the back, which was an added bonus. To my surprise it was a smartphone, not the newest model, but still better than I’d hoped for.

The phone felt warm in my hands, and I could see my own face reflected in the blank screen.

“Excuse me mam,” I said, turning with the phone cradled gently in my hands. “I think I’ve found the right one for me.”

She gave me a motherly grin. “Are you sure dear?”

“Very.” I said proudly.

I paid cash for the phone and worked out all the details of the contract that came with it after being assured that the phone was in working order and was ready for a new owner. I thought about also buying a blue phone case to cover it, but shrugged the thought off. If it needed a case I could get a much cooler one online.

“Dad, I’m back!” I called as I slammed the front door behind me. I could smell dinner cooking in the kitchen.

“There you are John,” dad said, appearing from his study, “Did you get that phone today?”

“Yes I did, and I think it’s great.” I said, showing it to him.

“Hmm,” he said thoughtfully. “A cellphone is a big responsibility John. Are you sure you can take care of it?”

“Yes Dad.” I sighed, the air whistling softly through my front teeth. “I’m going to college next year. I’m sure I can handle the responsibility of owning a smartphone.”

“Well, I’m glad you have it son.”

“It’s so we can keep in contact once school starts.” I said, heading up the stairs and past several harlequin posters that I still couldn’t talk Dad into taking down. The phone’s battery was dead from being in the bin, but after an hour plugged in at my windowsill back in my house it easily turned on and let me enter in my contact information. That night I called my Dad from across the house and spoke with him on my new phone. It worked perfectly.

For the next few hours I was the proud new owner of a secondhand smartphone, but then I began to notice things about it. Sometimes the phone’s home screen would light up from across the room when I wasn’t near it. I brushed it off as a slight fault in the wiring and thought nothing of it. It was an old phone, it was bound to have a few small bugs.

Then that same night I got my first ever text message, but it was from an unknown number. For a second I thought it must be someone who knew the previous owner, but I’d changed the number when I bought the phone. It was a new number, no one should know it yet.

The message was simple.

???- Hello? Can anyone read this?

I was curious about it, and decided to call the number and see who it was. There was a slight beep, then, “The number you are trying to reach is out of order, please try again or try a different number”.

I hung up. That’s strange, I thought, but not too odd. There could be a mistake with the phone company since I was on a new contract. A moment later two more texts came in, both from the same unidentified number.

???- Hey, pick up the phone, pick up the phone pick up the phone  
???- are you there

I held the phone closely as these strange messages came through. There was no actual number listed, only a message that read “Unknown Caller”. 

???- I can see you there, you know. Just answer the phone, I swear I don’t bite ;) 

That provoked a reaction out of me. They could see me? No way. Someone, Jade maybe, was pulling a prank on me. I decided to answer them, just to see what would happen.

John- Who is this?

I texted back and watched as the text bubble appeared on screen. A moment later new messages began to appear.

???- oh thank god you can read this. I was really beginning to wonder whether or not I was just going insane or wasting my time like some complete and utter tool scratching a message onto some cave wall using sticks and ashes and then some paleontologists discover the ancient writing on the wall thousands of years into the future and spend years trying to discover the meaning behind these painstakingly carved words only to discover that the caveman was only scratching utter nonsense into the wall because this was thousands of years ago and he couldn’t freaking read in the first place.

???- like, were words even invented then or was he the first to try and force symbols to have meaning to others who see them? Was this caveman a genius or a madman? Was he a Stone Age Shakespeare etching out erotic poetry or was he just trying to screw with his neighbor? I need to know

???- but enough of that. Can you really read this or are you fucking with me, because I kind of feel like you are

What.

I read the texts a second time, just to be sure I was reading them correctly. I was obviously being trolled. The idea made me smile. This troll had no idea who he was dealing with. I was John fucking Egbert and I wasn’t about to take this lying down.

But it was late, and I was meeting Jade in the morning, so I would have to deal with this later.

Just before I powered the phone down- I didn’t need a troll keeping me up all night, I received a call. The number was still unknown. It sat ringing in my hand for a moment before I decided to take a chance and answer it.

“What is it?” I snapped into the phone line, “Who’s there?”

I heard absolutely nothing on the receiving end of the call, not even someone breathing. It was kind of eerie.

“Are you the one texting me?” I said angrily. “Because I am the pranking master and I can tell you that this is the shittiest prank ever. It’s not even original.”

There was not even a hint of a response, and I hung up. Hitting the off button wasn’t as satisfying as slamming it down on a receiver like landline phones, but it still felt pretty great.

I sat the phone beside me, certain I’d put an end to this nonsense once and for all. I leaned back into my pillow, but my phone began to vibrate and rattle loudly from my bedside table. I groaned and rolled over, but the noise didn’t stop so I sat up again and snatched up the phone.

???- oh that’s just bloody perfect I can’t even talk to you in person what kind of sick irony is this?

That’s it, I thought. I wasn’t having any more on this. Immediately a new message appeared, fast and desperate. 

???- don’t turn the phone off! Please.

I paused, finger over the power down button. That small please halted me. The entire tone of the mysterious texter told me that they would never drop a please like that, but there it was. In the second I’d paused another text came in.

???- don’t turn the phone off, please. It’s been so long since I’ve talked to anyone.

???- don’t go away. I don’t want to be alone again

In the darkened room I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention. I thought about shutting the phone off anyway and getting some sleep, but the sincerity of the words drew me in. I was curious about what was going on here.

John- Who is this?

I slowly typed in the letters and hit send. A moment later I got the reply.

???-oh thank jesus your actually going along with this ok, I know this is about to get new hells of crazy but hello I’m dave and don’t hang up but thats my phone your using

John- *You’re, like, you’re bullshitting me.

I couldn’t help it. If I was being trolled I wasn’t going to go quietly. And I didn’t believe this Dave person anyway. 

Dave must have sensed that I wasn’t buying any of this.

???(Dave?)- no really I swear its true. This shits more real that craft mayo. Scouts honor and all that

I quickly typed back.

John- no way you were a scout. That’s so lame. You can drop you act now numbnuts

Dave(???)- but no for real that’s my phone. Like, seriously. I’m being serious, can’t you tell?

Dave(???)- serious as a puppy with cancer

Dave(???)- Serious as a mob gangster with an eyepatch planning a hit on an old family friend because bloods thicker than water and sorry bud but you’ve grown greedy and that shit don’t slide here.

John- I call bullshit

Dave(???)- … I can prove it.

John- then do so, or I block this number

Dave(???)- ooh, threats. Look out civilians! This guys got a spine

I waited for a moment to see if he would keep his word, then,

Dave(???)- … there’s a batman sticker on the back of the phone and three scratches down the side.

I already knew this, and it wouldn’t be too hard for someone else to know as well. This could be someone from the Verizon store, or a hacker. I was aware that I could be dealing with the single most dedicated troll I’d ever heard of. They’d certainly done their research. 

John- that doesn’t prove anything.

Dave(???)- well then miss skeptic what about this…

Dave(???)-…

Dave(???)-…

Dave(???)- …

John- well? I’m waiting

Dave(???)- ok don’t freak out but,

Dave(???)- that’s my phone and I can contact you on it because I think I’m somewhat attached to it? I’m not really sure how the whole thing works or why, but news flash Jonny boy- I’m dead.

Dave(???)- I’m dead but I’m still here and the only way I can interact with like, the physical realm is through that phone.

Dave(???)- so congrats, I guess? You’ve just won a haunted phone, complete with one free ghost included on the house.

And that was when I cut the smartphone off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Inserts obligatory filler chapter to get the ball rolling."

Over the next few weeks though, I began to believe it. Dave was constantly knowing things that were impossible unless he was actually there with me, and I had always had a thing for believing in the supernatural. Secretly I thought that this was the single greatest thing to ever happen to me.

Dave texted me on annoyingly frequent level. Dave and I talked every day, and I rapidly became friends with his disembodied voice over texts, weird as this was. Dave kept me company throughout the summer weeks when school was out and my Dad was at work and I was all alone in the house. I quickly learned the rules for having a ghost friend.

We could only talk through texting. Dave could call me, but never speak. There was only silence. And he could fully manipulate the settings and effects on the phone itself, to my annoyance. He’d change the names of all my contacts to characters in some crappy internet comic no one had ever heard of and set my lock screen pic to Guy Fieri's face. He’d also take five hundred pictures of my ceiling and leave tabs open all night to run my battery down.

Dave had a weird but completely unique sense of humor that I quickly learned to love. He rambled a lot and made strange metaphors and swore by his rapping skills and obscure internet bands and oddly hipster references, but somehow I didn’t find that irritating. 

It was easier for us to talk when I texted back. He said he often couldn’t understand what was spoken aloud.

Dave- being dead’s a lot like going deaf. Everythings fuzzy and nothings clear and dammit my nose has an itch I can never scratch. Unlife’s just not fair

John- how do you even text? Do your ghost fingers type it all out?

Dave- its kind of hard to explain.

Dave- no I don’t type it all out, its like the things I want to say just appear there written out somehow.

Dave- and the spooky thing is I’m not sure I even have fingers. I think I think I have fingers but that’s not the same thing as actually having them. Being dead’s spacey AF

Dave also could not interact with anything except for his phone. I’d asked him about it out of curiosity once.

John- Can you like leave your phone and wander away? What would happen if you did?

Dave- I can roam the immediate area, but the further from it I get the blurrier and darker everything gets. It feels like I’m losing myself. Everything’s numb

Dave- things are the clearest when I’m right by it

John- crap man

John- I’m sorry to hear that

Dave shrugged it off, said it didn’t mean much to him either way. There was nowhere else he wanted to go.

Sometimes I tried to get information about his past, but he was tight-lipped about the whole thing. I didn’t even know his last name. I did know that he wasn’t from around here. I lived in a smaller community and I’d know if anyone around my age named Dave had died recently.

That was the thing that bothered me the most about Dave and his afterlife. He was an upfront guy but I always got the sense that there were things he wasn’t telling me. I didn’t want to pry, but I felt like I needed to do something. Help him. Wasn't that what you did once saddled with a ghost friend? try and help them?

But anytime I tried to bring up the subject of his past, he’d shut down.

John- hey dave, you never told me your last name

Dave- I don’t see why that matters

John- well I was curious and I was wondering what it was

Dave- nice try, but a guys gotta keep some secrets to himself

Days passed like this, any it was amazing how close I’d gotten to a dead guy I knew so little about.

One thing about Dave was that he would never stop talking. Ever. 

One morning I was making myself breakfast and learned why orange juice was apparently the devil.

Dave- john wait

Dave- what are you doing

John- what?

Dave- is that aj I see in your fridge?

I checked, moving things around until I found the carton hidden behind some ketchup. I had no idea how he’d seen it in the first place.

John- uh, yeah. So?

Dave- you are getting orange juice why a perfectly good carton of apple juice lays so tenderly in your hand?

John- yes?

Dave- that’s it, we can’t be friends anymore. I cannot be friends with an orange juice drinking heathen who ignored the godly goodness of apple juice.

John- is there a difference?

Dave- hell yes

Dave- Hell. Fucking. Yes.

John- ok ok fine 

John- I wouldn’t want to be a heathen and lose your friendship over a half glass of shitty oj

Dave- the shittiest.

There was also the time I was re-watching Ghostbusters for like the billionth time. Dave caught me quoting along with the characters as they moved through the firehouse.

Dave- do you seriously have this entire movie memorized?

John- yes, because this movie is a classic and it’s awesome. So awesome

Dave- this coming from the guy with a nic cage poster on his wall

Dave- no its not this movie is a piece of crap

John- no it is certainly not it’s a cinematic masterpiece and serves as the origin of ghostly supernatural genres.

Dave- as a ghost this movie offends me. How would you like it if you were just bumbling along doing your undead thing and here comes four jump suited nerds with modded vacuums and they hit you with some crazy light beam and boom- You’re deader than you were before, like ultra-dead.

John- that’s not how it works! That’s not how it works at all!

We argued back and forth for a while until the conversation became too ridiculous to continue. I knew Dave was just pulling my leg with most of the things he said but one thing just hit me hard.

Dave- They never even try to help the ghost out, like what assholes 

Was that me? Was I an asshole for not trying to help Dave?

I didn’t know why his spirit lingered here, but I knew that if something was holding him here then it was my job to help fix it. Friends don’t let friends be ghosts. That was my goal. That was the goal I set for the summer- get Dave set right.

But I knew I had to tread carefully. Anytime I tried to get Dave to open up he’d change the subject. Maybe he just needed time.

So I revised my previous statement to “friends don’t rush friends about being ghosts”. When it was time, when Dave decided that he wanted my help, I would know and be there for him.  
Because that’s what friends are for.

My Dad began to notice a change in me as summer drug on.

“Who is that you’re texting?” he asked. I resisted the urge to hide the phone in the pocket of my favorite blue hoodie. “Is it Jade?”

I bit my lip. I did text Jade a lot now that I had a phone, but just then it had been Dave and I wasn’t sure how I felt about Dad knowing I was texting someone he didn’t know.

“Uh, no its not Jade.” I said, resigned not to lie. Dave, the little shit, just had to comment.

Dave- John

Dave- John

Dave- well, are you going to answer him?

What, I thought, tearing my eyes away from the screen and realizing I’m missed a question from Dad. He was obviously waiting for an answer with stern fatherly patience. I sighed, embarrassed, and pushed the phone deep into my pocket. I didn’t want Dave distracting me or butting in again.

“What did you say? I’m sorry but I didn’t quite get it.” I admitted quietly.

“I asked who it was you were texting?”

“Oh, right.” I said, pulling an easy grin onto my face. “Well, I was texting a new friend of mine. His name’s Dave and we met online.”

“Really?” Dad sounded pretty shocked, and I pushed down a second wave of embarrassment. He didn’t need to make it so obvious that I didn’t have many friends. I could feel my face turning red.

“Yeah, he seems like a pretty cool guy.” I said.

“Is Dave who you’ve been nonstop texting all summer?” he asked.

“Not completely. I text Jade a lot too, but yeah, it’s mostly Dave now.” I admitted.

“Is he a friend?”

“Yes. Definitely.” I said, hoping that Dave was listening.

Dad actually smiled. “Well son, I’m glad to see that you’re making friends.” He set a hand proudly on my shoulder. “Do we need to have a talk about being safe over the internet or do you know not to tell strangers your social security number and address?”

“Yes Dad, I’m not a moron.” I said, laughing as I slid out from under his hand. “I promise not to give out any private information.” I said, not meaning Dave, because he was dead and that’s why loopholes exist.   
And it was hard to hide things from Dave, mostly because he was always right there and liked snooping about.

“I can see that having a new friend is good for you John.” Dad said just as I turned away to head back upstairs.

“What?” I asked, not sure if I’d heard him correctly.

“Well its hard not to notice that you’ve changed since you got that phone.” He shrugged, trying not to look too sharply at me. “You smile more now than when school was still on, and Jade is over more often. I even caught you playing piano again, just like when you were young. I haven’t heard you play like that in years.” He said, and I could hear the emotion in his tone. “If its because of this Dave person, well, then he’s a good friend in my book son.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. It was true that I’d played the piano for Dave because he bet I didn’t know how. (Dave- dude there’s no way you can play that. John- prepare to eat those words motherfucker because I am the Beethoven of the new age. Dave- like hell you are. My grandma could probably play better than you and she’s deaf as hell.)

So I sat down on the smooth wooden bench and let my fingers fall into the familiar shapes as the first few notes began to softly play. It had been a while and I’d been afraid I’d forgotten how to play at all, but somehow I just remembered and the more I played the better and faster I’d gotten until it seemed like there was only me and the instrument and suddenly I was a kid again, just learning how to hit the keys with my dad.

I paused, pulling myself back to the present. 

“Maybe you’re right Dad.” I said. “I think I’m happier now.”

He hadn’t said anything in return, but he had hugged me and I had hugged him back.

Once I was back in my room I send Dave a quick text.

John- Do I need to worry about you giving away my personal information or actually being a dedicated stalker bent on murdering me in my sleep?

Dave- oh definitely

Dave- you’ve cracked my evil plan

Dave- now how am I going to swindle you out of your hard earned retirement funds?

John- I don’t even have retirement funds

Dave- you live in a swoozy suburban neighborhood how do you not have retirement funds for evil swindlers like me to creep along and talk you out of?

John- ok ok I get it

John- you’re just trying to distract me

John- nice try

Dave- I would never

Dave- I pride myself on not being distracting

John- dave, distraction is literally all you do

Dave- that’s cold John

John- but anyway its okay

John- you can talk about it if you want to

Dave-…

Dave- John, its summer. The last summer before you go off to college, leave the nest and spread your wings and all that, see if you really know how to fly.

Dave- is Jade really the only other person you talk to?

John- yeah

Dave- dude she’s your cousin

Dave- do you not have anyone from school or any other people to hang with besides your cousin and a dead guy?

John- its not like this is a big deal.

John- its just, I never really fit in at school. I never needed other friends.

John- they always shunned me and jade for some reason, so we stuck to ourselves mostly

Dave- I literally don’t know how to respond to that

Dave- but I’ve been here for almost a month now and I can see that you’re a pretty great guy john. Those losers at your school are really missing out.

John- thank you dave

John- that was really sweet

Dave- thank you too john, for putting up with having a dead guy pester you at all hours of the day.

Dave- out of anyone that could have bought my old phone, I’m glad it was you.

John- goodnight dave

Dave- night john

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha slightly depressed John, deal with it. Anyway I feel like this was a good filler chapter, but a little slow paced and jumpy. I swear I'll get to the actual plot next time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now that the intro's over its time to get into the actual plot. This is the part I've been waiting for. Enjoy!

The next morning I was due to meet up with Jade. We had a standing Saturday morning obligation to meet in the park.

I found her sitting on a park bench, her massive white dog Bec at her side.

“Hey Jade!” I called, walking over.

“There you are.” She said brightly, slamming the book she’d been holding closed and tucking it away. “I was worried that you had slept in again.”

Bec pushed his head under my palm suggestively and I scratched at his ears until his tail began to wag happily.

“Nah, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m right on time.” I protested, and felt my phone go off in my pocket.

Dave- John what is that

John- what?

Dave- that furry beast

John- dude chill that’s her dog Bec

John- that’s not a dog that’s a fluffy white monster

“Good boy Bec.” I said as the dog leaned into me.

Jade giggled. “So how have you been?”

“Fine.”

Jade sat swinging her stockinged legs for a moment, uncharacteristically uncertain.

“Hey… have you started looking at colleges yet? Summer’s almost over and I’m still not sure which one I want to go to.”

I blinked. “I turned in several applications, but I haven’t narrowed down the list.”

The summer sum was warm and bright but I felt a chill pass through me at the thought of the future. 

“College seems so far away even though I know it’s so close, you know?” she said. “I don’t feel like it’s real or that I’m prepared or anything.”

I sat down heavily beside her on the bench and casually picked a twig out of her wild black hair. I twiddled the small piece of wood between my fingers for a moment.

“I know how you feel.” I said. “It doesn’t seem quite real, does it? It doesn’t feel like we’re not going to high school again and everything’s out of place in my head.”

To distract myself I checked the phone again, and sure enough Dave had something to say.

Dave- you know, I felt the same.

Dave- … I was going to be a freshman this year too

I tried to hide my shock, staring at the small green text bubble and worrying my bottom lip between my teeth. I hadn’t known that Dave had graduated the same year as Jade and me. Something inside of me went quiet and I realized that I’d never thought about Dave not having a future anymore. 

Bec stopped me from having a sudden breakdown as I realized my own mortality and how unfair everything was when he picked up his massive head and growled directly at me.

“Bec!” Jade scolded. “You do not growl at John. Bad boy.” She ineffectively swatted at the dog’s muzzle and the growl stopped.

The noise made me uncomfortable. I was already on edge and I’d known Bec for years and he’d never growled at me like that before.

Dave- oh shit

Dave- do you think that devil beast knows I’m here?

Bec’s ears swiveled upright at the new messages and I saw his lip curl.

Dave- Holy shit he does!

Dave- this is great

Dave- something can see me

Jade had frozen, not sure what was going on.

Dave- now this is more like it. Where are the other ghost abilities I’m supposed to have? Because I feel like I’m being cheated here. I can’t even haunt people correctly but thank god a dog knows I’m here. And here I was hoping to see through walls or fly or some shit

Dave- this is an outrage

I held back an incredulous snort; Dave always knew what to say to distract me, even after dropping that bombshell on me unexpectedly. He continued to rave about his presence being known by someone other than me as Bec edged away from the park bench. Jade looked hurt.

“I’m so sorry John, I don’t know what’s gotten into him.” She tugged at his leash but Bec was stubborn and didn’t move. She reached down and laced a shoe tighter before tying Bec’s leash to the bench.

“That’s alright Jade, he must smell something on me that’s new, that’s all.” I could almost hear Dave laughing, but that must have been my imagination.

Back at home Dave still hadn’t calmed down.

Dave- crap john. I never thought that trope was true. Dogs can see ghosts

John- No shit Sherlock

Dave- hey don’t try to kill my buzz, this is fantastic

Dave- it is like fucking Christmas in here

That one made me smile, only for the expression to freeze when I thought about before.

John- hey dave… did you mean that earlier about you being an upcoming freshman as well?

John- you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, I don’t want to pry

Dave- naw, that’s fine

Dave-…  
Dave- … and yes its true

John- shit dave. That sucks

Dave- and on top of never finishing my college crap I’m certain I left the stove on. Maybe that’s why I’m cursed to hover between the worlds, cast away from my humanity, doomed to suffer eternally for wasting our finite natural resources.

John- stop being dramatic dave. That’s not why you’re stuck here

Dave- oh really?

John- yeah. I’m sure of it

Dave- then why am I stuck here? Why am I like this john?

I bit my lip, and looked away from the brightly lit screen for a minute. An uncomfortable feeling settled in my gut. We’d never talked about this before.

Dave- I mean I can remember who I was and all. I wasn’t a bad guy. I may not have been perfect, but I was never some double-parking monster or anything.

John- Do you know why its the phone you’re attached to?

I was beyond curious. I wanted to put this mystery together and puzzle it out. In my mind, a cellphone was a pretty peculiar thing to be soul-stuck to.

Dave- I’m not sure…

Dave- maybe,

Dave- … maybe it’s because when I was alive that phone was my life

That was new. Now we were getting somewhere. 

John- what do you mean?

Dave- well, I never really was close to people around me. I mean yes I had a family and all that but I mean friends my own age. I guess like you I just never clicked with the people at my school

Dave- all my friends were online. That phone was my only connection to them.

I took a long look at the phone. It felt so light in my hand, nothing like the weight of the soul that was tied to it. The batman sticker was peeling off of the back now even more from use, and for a moment I tried to imagine the fingers that put it there in the first place. Again I couldn’t help but realize the life that Dave must have had before this, and a sudden anger made my hand tighten around the phone.

Why did Dave have to be dead?

Dave- God we were close. Eventually we branched out and started using computers and talking apps and skype and all, but that phone was the start of some beautiful friendships

Dave- at times that was all I had

I swallowed thickly. There was a tightness in my throat. I continued to text, ignoring how my fingers shook on the keys. I couldn’t push too hard; I didn’t want him shutting me out again. I had to be careful here.

John- gosh dave. That’s some deep crap you just threw on me

John- do you,  
John- do you think they know what happened to you? You know, if they were all online

Dave- no, and that’s the thought that haunts me. Like, really. Zero irony here. If I could still sleep I’m sure I’d be losing it over this

Dave- do you think they just all think I forgot about them or stopped caring or…

Dave- shit

Dave- this is really messing me up

John- do you think that’s why you’re still here?

John- isn’t that a thing that happens in the movies and stuff? Unfinished business or something

John- could that be it? The reason that you’re still here and haven’t passed on?

Dave- no

Dave- no fucking way

Dave- just, no

John-…

Dave- but come to think of it, you might be able to help me out with something

My mouth curved upward into a smile. I’d done it. He was going to open up. I readied my best helper skills; they were about to be put to the test.

John- what is it?

Dave- could you maybe contact them for me? let them know what happened and that I’m not a total douche for abandoning them?

Bingo. A private firework display went off inside my head in victory. I quickly replied.

John- anyone else you want me to contact on your behalf? The pope, your family perhaps?

Dave- nah, they already know what happened to me. no need to let them know I’m tied to a cellphone for some mysterious reason and bring back all that pain. I’m sure my death was painful and all but I’m sure that they can move past it all the same. I don’t want some kind of bad horror flick white family nonsense about this either. Can you just like, let them know im dead and all. That’s all you can do and I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with

John- like doing favors for dead guys?

Dave- exactly. No one should ever, EVER, do a dead guy a favor. That’s like feeding a mangy stray cat, one kindness later and the things glued to your leg forever shedding fur and fleas all over everything you love. No one wants that hanging around, am I right?

John- you are not a stray cat dave

Dave- yes I am, and I’m your stray cat. Call me Mr. Whiskers and love me forever. I’ll even wear that collar with the little bell on it to protect innocent songbirds from being slaughtered by a ninja cat with murder problems

John- are you saying that you have murder problems?

Dave- what no way

Dave- I’m the innocent songbird of course 

Dave- its you that’s the cat here, murder happy blue-eyed fluffy kitty. That’s you john

Dave- you probably dream about doing jerry in and eating his tiny furry body, you sick freak

John- you’re such an asshole sometimes

John- I’m being haunted by an asshole from beyond the grave

John- when did my life become so insane without me noticing?

Dave- I’m not haunting you, it’s the phone.

Dave- just in case you thought you were special or something

John- aren’t you supposed to be smooth talking me into doing you a favor

Dave- crap that’s right.

Dave- I’m an idiot

Dave- …

John- you’re lucky I’m such a nice person

Dave- the best

It was time to get down to business. I had a dead friend to help. 

John- so what do I need to do? They deleted all of your old contacts at the store

John- do you remember their numbers?

Dave- no, numbers were never my thing

Dave- but I have their usernames online and that’s just as good

A moment later I was flooded with an abundance of usernames for some online chat client named Trollian. There were thirteen of them, and several caught my eye.

John- TwinArmageddons? CaligulasAquarium? 

John- do you know any of these people’s actual names?

John- do they know yours?

Dave- I know all of them by name. They’re my family john

Dave- and yes they all know me as dave 

I quickly pulled up my computer and downloaded the chat client Trollian. It took a few minutes to install but at least it was free.

John- Ok, how do we do this?

Dave- first make an account

John- cant I just log into yours. Wouldn’t that be easier

Dave- no oh no oh hell no

Dave- they would tear you apart if you were under my name

I sighed and cracked my knuckles as I pulled the key board towards me as I got down to work.

I clicked “Create a new profile” and typed in some bullshit personal info until it agreed to let me sigh up for free. In the username box I typed in the name “GhostlyTrickster” because this whole thing still reminded my slightly of Ghostbusters. Dave could suck it, that movie was awesome.

Immediately Dave began to complain.

Dave- john

Dave- john what are you doing

Dave- you cannot try and tell them I’m dead with the username ghostlytrickster

Dave- do you want them to believe it or do you want them to think you’re a troll

Dave- because they’d never believe you with a name like that

I could see he had a point, and reluctantly changed the username to “EctoBiologist”. It took a few minutes after that to track down all 13 of the names Dave gave me and invite them into a group chat.  
It was late enough now that no one was online.

Dave- give it till in the morning. It’ll take a while for them all to log on and see the new invite

John- do they all know each other or are they strangers

Dave- yeah, we all know each other. We were a pretty close knit group

I waited for another fifteen minutes, waiting for a miracle to happen and somehow everyone to simultaneously log on so we could get this party started.

Dave- is this really happening right now

John- yes

Dave- holy crap john this is actually happening

Dave- we’re doing this

Dave- oh my god this is happening

Dave- we’re actually doing this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight cliffhanger of an ending, but not really. I'm so exited to see how this story unfolds. Now that an actual plot has been introduced I can't wait to post more chapters. If anyone sees a mistake please let me know, I'm still getting used to this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU SIGNED YOUR PERMISSION SLIPS BECAUSE WE ARE GOING ON A FEELS TRIP!

I checked the computer first thing in the morning once I’d woken up. Four people had accepted the request, but that was all.

Dave- give it a little longer. Once they realize who’s all in the group they should join up quicker

John- can they see everyone else in the group?

Dave- yes.

John- ok then perfect

It was hard for me to kill time when I was so anxious for this to begin. I swear I checked the monitor every three minutes as the hours ticked past. I did chores. I washed dishes. I even mowed the lawn in the name of procrastination. Slowly more and more people accepted the invite to chat, until only one person wasn’t in the group.

Dave- yeah, CG probably won’t join in on this feels trip until shit hits the fan. He won’t recognize your username

John- ok then can I start now?

Dave- lets do this jonny boy

I fiddled with the settings and allowed for all members to post and was immediately swamped with messages. Boy, Dave’s friends didn’t waste any time plastering the screen with messages.

Trollian Client Chat:

EctoBiologist(EB)- is everyone here? 

TwinArmageddons(TA)- what fresh hell iis thiis? How the fuck do you know us

CuttlefishCuller(CC)- wait wait wait

TentacleTherapist(TT)- I believe that we have all been summoned here by an anonymous third party who somehow has gained access to our friend lists in order to gather us together. I do not know why, but I am certain that whatever it is contains information relevant to all of us. 

GallowsCalibrator (GC)- The jury waits with baited breath for the defendant to state their case.

EB- Ok, I know this is about to get really strange but bear with me

The unending and chaotic stream continued. I couldn’t get a word in, so I quickly texted Dave.

John- why do your friends have to type so colorfully? Its kind of hard to read like this

John- and how exactly do you want me to do this? this is kind of a nightmare

Dave- wait until they all cool down. Remember, they don’t know you

TT- Wait everyone, I think this might be Dave. 

GrimAuxillatrix(GA)- I Believe That You Might Be On To Something And Second The Notion

My phone lit up.

Dave- that’s my girl

Dave- and that’s your opening john

Me- how do you want me to do this

Dave- break it to them gently please. Say you’re a family friend or something.

Me- do you think they would buy that?

Dave- I don’t see a reason why they wouldn’t

While I was talking to Dave, online the messages hadn’t stopped.

CC- omg you might be right –E!

ArsenicCatnip(AC)- Yay its Dave! Dave’s back : ) !!!!

CentaursTesticle(CT)- If this is Dave then he has some e%plaining to do about his unnecessary absence. 

TA- Dave??

TA- iif thiis iis you you son of a biitch ii swear ii’m goiing to track you down and kiill you for beiing such an asshole

CaligulasAquarium(CA)- Wwell at least they’re better than you Sol. No one believes that double i bullshit anyway. I’m getting a headache just reading that putrid mustard text of yours.

TA- Fuck you, at least ii have an excuse. My ii key keeps sticking agaiin. And don’t thiink ii diidn’t notiice that ww douche

CC- Guys is this really necessary. Can’t we all be best fronds and get along?

To the side,

Dave- ouch why do you wound me so? Arguing when my good friend john’s trying to break the tragic news of my own demise

John- is it just me or are all of your “Friends” completely insane?!

Dave- naw, you haven’t seen nothing yet. This is them all behaving for once

John- good grief dave

I snorted, but then got serious.

(GC)- if this is your idea of a dramatic entrance I might agree with Sol

John- who’s Sol

Dave- TA, keep up with the program john god

It was hard to keep the two different conversations separate, and I was glad they were taking place on two different devices or I was bound to make mistakes.

EB- no, its not dave. I’m a close family friend of his though.

TA- …

CC-…

AdiosToreador(AT) – uH,

CA-…

GA-…

ApocalypseArisen(AA)- 0_0

(GC)-…

TT- …

TT- … Oh shit.

I sighed, then typed in the fatal words.

EB- I’m not sure how to tell you all this but… Dave passed away some time ago. I would have contacted you all sooner but we didn’t know about Trollian until recently and it took a while to track you all down. I’m sorry

There was a brief moment of complete silence, then a notification popped up onscreen.

“CarcinoGeneticist(CG) had accepted your invite to chat and has joined the conversation.”

Dave- Oh shit here we go…

Dave- batten down the hatches bitches cause we’re in for a shitstorm

Trollian Chat Client:

CarcinoGeneticist(CG) - WHAT THE FUCK.

I flinched, but the chat client kept going and I was pulled back into the conversation.

CA- oh god

CA- for real? He’s dead?

EB- I’m so sorry everyone. I hate being the bearer of bad news but I thought Dave would want you all to know what happened and to have some closure. 

I thought I was doing alright being the digital pallbearer, but it seemed Dave was right about CG and the incoming shitstorm.

CG- OH FUCK NO

CG- NO

CG-NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

CG- THIS ISNT HAPPENING.

CG- THIS IS SO NOT ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

CG- OH JEGUS.

I turned to Dave, sensing the panic of CG through the screen.

John- dave SOS

Dave- aw hell. I was worried about this :/

John- what the hell dave! I thought you said this would be a good idea.

Dave- it is! Just give him a minute. Guy just found out I’m dead after all. Must be quite a shock.

I immediately felt awful. Dave’s sarcasm was scathing through the screen.

John- I’m sorry. You’re right. He’s totally allowed to freak out.

John- what do you want me to do?

Dave- nothing to do. Just let him get it out.

Trollian Chat Client:

CG- EB, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

CG- YOU DON’T HAVE ANY RIGHT COMING IN HERE AND TELLING US…

CG- LIES! YOU’RE LYING. YOU MUST BE LYING.

TT- CG calm the fuck down!

CG- NO.

CG- I WILL CONTINUE TO FLIP MY ACTUAL SHIT UNTIL THINGS START TO MAKE SENSE AGAIN.

CG- WHO ARE YOU!

I leaned away from the monitor and sighed again.

John- here I go dave

John- wish me luck

Rollover Chat Client:

EB- ok alright. Why does that matter CG? I’m just trying to do the right thing here.

CG- I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.

Dave began texting me rapidly. I picked up the phone just as someone else butted into CG’s rageful ranting.

ArachnidsGrip(AG)- Alright 8itches like my god I turn away for one second and next thing I know is that Dave’s apparently dead now and you all are hilariously falling apart over it. Like really people, is it up to me to be the bringer of common sense? We don’t know who the hell this ectobiologist even is. Why should we believe him? Just because our resident coolkid hadn’t been online in a month doesn’t automatically make him dead or give us permission to turn into juvenile idiots at the first opportunity presented. Why am I the only one here with the spine to stand up and not take this bullshit lying down?

AA- I had an idea that something along this line might have happened to him, but I was hoping to be proven incorrect. It appears that Dave really is dead.

TA- AA what the fuck

To the side,

Dave- god this just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

TT- Ecto, how did it happen? And I know you can’t be a family friend, because that’s what I am and I had no idea.

I looked at Dave for advice.

Dave- yeah I prolly should have warned you about her. she’s my cousin and might be onto your family friend act.

John- she’s your cousin?

John- what the crap Dave. How could she not know what happened to you if she’s your cousin? You’ve been dead for over a month how could she not know!

Dave-she’s, we….I…

Dave- it’s complicated

Dave- but it’s true. She didn’t know. We’re not, weren’t, very close.

John- can I at least tell them what happened?

Dave-no.

Dave- no, I don’t think that would help anything.

Back online Dave’s cousin hadn’t given up.

TT- EB, please.

TT- I need to know

EB-I…

EB- Uh…

I was beginning to panic.

TT- Was it Bro?

I swear every message on the screen froze. The rainbow vomit of questions and insults shuddered to a halt.

On the phone Dave acted up again.

Dave- aw fuck

Dave- hell Rose, why did you have to say that?

John- her name is Rose?

Privately my mind was racing. Who was Bro? Why did Rose think they were a part of this? And how did Dave die? We’d been slowly getting closer, but we’d never talked about that. I’d always been hoping it was cancer or a bad car crash or something, as much as I could hope that cancer or a car accent had killed someone I considered a close friend. At least cancer was normal and tragic and a car crash quick and painless. That’s what I was hoping for, something quick and painless.

Dave- yeah.

Dave- she’s a good person.

John- Dave, how did you die?

I also asked the question out loud, softly. I’d been conversing in complete silence for so long that actually hearing my own voice was sobering. Outside the sun was setting. Where had the day gone?

Online Rose was at it again.

TT- EB was it bro?

TT- WAS

TT- IT

TT-BRO?

TT- Damn you, answer me.

CG-ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION YOU SHITFACED COWARD.

Now I was glad that the text was color-coded. It made it easier to track which people I was talking to. My phone vibrated again.

Dave- … tell them it was an accident. Please.

My heart was breaking. With shaking hands I did what I was told.

EB- it was an accident. 

Dave- he didn’t mean to

EB- he didn’t mean to.

Dave- im sorry

EB- I’m sorry.

I may not have known exactly who Bro was or what was going on, but I wasn’t an idiot. I could sense the pain pouring through the screen. Holy shit, I knew contacting Dave’s online family would be difficult but I’d never imagined it would be this hard.

CG-NO

CG-FUCK NO

I turned back to Dave as Rose and CG fell apart onscreen. My own throat felt tight.

John-… Dave?

John-…

John- Dave please

Dave-… just give me a sec alright

Dave- I feel like I can’t breathe

Dave- not that I was breathing before

Dave- fuck

John- Dave, who’s Bro?

It may have been rude of me to ask, but I was in this story now. If Rose deserved to know then so did I. I was a part of this too. This was also my story. 

Dave- … he’s my brother.

Oh fuck. No. Anything but that.

Dave- I never had a dad or mom so it was just me and him. Bro raised me

I’d never heard about his family before. The tightness in my throat constricted painfully. I took a shaking breath.

John- dave I had no idea.

Dave- no problem.

John- im sorry dave

Dave- its alright john. Its not like any of that matters anyway now that I’m dead 

On Trollian it was a mess.

TerminallyCapricious(TC)- MoTherFuck

TA- ii’m goiing to kiill hiim

CA- holy shit

CG- FUCKING NO

CG- THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE

Walls of solid gray text began going up like walls.

CG- NO THAT CAN’T BE HOW THIS ENDS. WE WERE GOING TO MEET UP ONCE SCHOOL STARTED AGAIN AND WE WERE ALL GOING TO GO TO THE SAME COLLEGE AND WE WERE GOING TO LIVE OUR LIVES AND HE WAS SUPPODED TO BE THERE!

CG- HE WAS SUPOSSED TO BE THERE!

CG- HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF THERE!

CG- THERE WAS ONLY A FEW MORE MONTHS.

CG- THAT SMUG MOTHERFUCKER. WHY DIDN’T HE LISTEN TO US? OH GOD NO.

CG- FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUCK

TT- Please,

TT- Don’t.

GA- Oh Rose,

GA- I Am So Sorry

GA- I Find Myself In The Position Of Not Knowing How Best To Proceed. I’ll Admit My Greif Is Clouding My Thinking.

TT- We all should have done more to get Dave out of there. We all knew the danger he was in.

TT- Oh God. This is all our fault.

Dave- shit rose.

Dave- don’t do that to yourself girl

John- Dave?

There was no answer

John- Dave!

John- what the hell happened to you. What’s going on?

Dave-fucking hell

Trollian Chat Client:

CG- ROSE, WE BOTH KNEW

CG- WE FUCKING KNEW!

CG- OH GOD NO.

CG- HE CAN’T BE DEAD.

CG- NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

CG- WE KILLED HIM.

CG- OH GOD WE FUCKING KILLED HIM.

This seemed like a good place for me to jump in. I didn’t need to know the whole story to know not to let them think that way.

EB- No, neither of you did this. none of this is your fault.

“TentacleTherapist(TT) has become an idle user”

For a moment when I saw the notification appear I was afraid I’d just scared her off or she’d had enough. This was a lot to take in. 

Dave- whats she up to

John- no idea

Trollian Chat Client:

AT- uH, Who is bro? Is anyone else lost? 

AG- God Tavros get a grip. Its o8viously his strikingly older brother. To be perfectly honest I’m not surprised.

CG- SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH.

CG- DON’T YOU SAY ANOTHER FUCKING WORD.

GC- I’d have to agree with shouty. It would be in your best interests right not to keep quiet for once in your goddamn life Vriska.

“TentacleTherapist(TT) had reentered the conversation”

TentacleTherapist(TT)- I just checked online

TT- It’s real.

TT- Oh God it’s real.

TT- I just checked online. His death made the news. Here’s the link-  
-XXxjhsdfganfevfyp.com

TT- Bro killed Dave.

My mouse strayed over the link and I was dimly aware that my hand was shaking.

Dave- please don’t john

Dave- not right now

I paused, but listened to Dave. The conversation wasn’t over.

CG- I

CG-I…

CG- FUCK IT.

CG JUST FUCK IT ALL.

CG- I THINK WE ALL SHOULD DO THE MATURE THING HERE AND QUIT THIS CHAT.

CG- ITS NOT GOOD FOR US TO KEEP GOING RIGHT NOW.

CG- CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?

CG- I THINK WE ALL NEED A FUCKING MINUTE TO WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE.

TT- I second the notion. This is a conversation that needs to be continued at a later date, once we’ve calmed down and fully assessed the situation.

CG- CALMED DOWN?

CG- I’M NEVER GOING TO BE CALM AGAIN.

CG- FUCK YOUR CALM DOWN ROSE, I’M GOING TO BREAK SOMETHING AND START SCREAMING UNTIL MY ACTUAL SHITTY LUNGS FALL OUT AND FORM A BLOODY PUDDLE RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING FLOOR.

CG- DAMMIT WE WERE SO CLOSE TO BEING HAPPY.

CG- I JUST…

CG- I CAN’T.

CG-ALRIGHT I JUST FUCKING CAN’T RIGHT NOW.

EB- alright, I think I’ve done my part here. I’m going to go now.

I thought that maybe I could escape now, before my heart joined CG’s lungs on the floor. I could feel actual pain originating from the organ. I’d never felt anything like that before, like my blood had thickened inside me.

I had known that contacting Dave’s online family would be hard, but I hadn’t expected it to be the emotional equivalent of gouging my own eyes out with a rusty spoon.

GC- The witness is not allowed to abscond at this time.

(CA- oh God look at all that blood. I can’t believe someone took a picture of that.)

GC- They are still a part of this investigation and will be subjected to an intense round of questioning by all of us interrogators. You’re in this shit too EB. If you try to run, I will hunt you down myself and it will not be pretty.

EB- ok alright sheesh. Can we all talk again tomorrow?

I tried to ignore the comments that must be about the content of the link. With a grimace I marked cancer off of the mental list of possible deaths I’d been keeping for Dave.

It was a unanimous yes, and I was relieve to close the chat client as the replies stopped pouring in. I texted Dave again soon as possible.

John- did I just get a death threat from one of your friends?

Dave- yeah, that would be terezi. She’s intense like that most of the time

John- is she serious like should I be worried or…

Dave- yes she’s deadly serious

Dave-…

Dave- we were kind of an on and off again thing for a few weeks. It never worked out on either side but I was still a close friend to her. 

Dave- god I miss them all so much.

I could hear Dad yelling at me to come down for dinner.

“I’m on my way.” I yelled back, hastily wiping at my eyes. I didn’t think I had cried yet, but my eyes were definitely redder than normal.

John- brb dave

Dave- I’ll be here. There’s nowhere else for me to go

…

The morning after that was hard. I hadn’t really slept and my throat was sore. I checked online and Rose had set up a meeting at seven that night so I was left with nothing but more time to kill.

Dave wasn’t really talkative, which was strange but expected. Normally he never shut up. It took some prodding to get him to speak.

John- so the meets at 7

John- what do you think will happen then?

Dave- they’ll probably grill you for info worse than a white dad at a bbq who thinks adding steak sauce to the meat makes him the goddamn King of the Grill.

John- so do you think maybe I need to know what actually happened or?

John- you can tell me to fuck off if you want

Dave- ok

Dave- no you’re right its ok

Dave- I’m ok with you knowing. Just don’t click whatever link rose posted. I don’t want to see what mockery the media made of the whole event. I don’t want them to make me out as just another goddamn statistic ya know? That shit hurts

Dave- but are you sure you want to know? Because my life story isn’t for the faint of heart. Its half bullshit and half sad shit and all around bad shit and nobody comes out of the theater with dry eyes, like it’s some fault in our stars sequel where hazel grace finally takes one for the team and kicks the metaphorical bucket.

John- its okay. Im ready and have nothing to do. Nothing you can say will make me think differently of you if that is what you are afraid of.

Dave- if you still think the same of me once I’m done then you’re either dead inside or I’m not telling this story right.

My throat tightened again, and he hadn’t even started the story yet. I knew this was about to get really, really bad.

John- I don’t know what to say to that

Dave- that’s alright, because I’m the one talking now. Got both hands on the mike and I hope your buckled the fuck in for the long haul cuz here we go...

Dave…

Dave…

Dave- ok, this is how it starts. I grew up in Dallas, land of the larger than life in good ol southern texas. My parental figures both o’d separately before I turned two so I was raised by my older brother.

This was the part I was able to piece together, not the Texas bit but honestly I wasn’t surprised. There was no way he was on the northwest coast like me.

Dave- I was a crackhead baby and a freak and never 100% on the health scale growing up, and I think maybe that’s why Bro was so obsessed with making me stronger. Physically, mentally, whatever works for you. I’ll spare you all the gory details but I will say this- Bro make John Winchester look like fucking Dad of the Year.

I didn’t know who this other John was, but if Dave expected me to recognize the name then he must have been a really terrible father.

Dave- and its funny now that im fucking dead I actually have the guts to say this but I was an abused kid. Bro beat the shit out of me on a daily basis. He was an abuser who should never have been given a child in the first place.

Dave- and yeah like only two people ever knew this. Rose, because I’ve known her for so long and its impossible to hide things from her, and CG because…

Dave-nvm that’s not important now.

Dave- several others had suspicions, like Terezi and AA, but I never let them know. I was afraid it’d change what we had and anyway it didn’t matter back then because I didn’t need anyone looking after me or worrying because I could deal with it myself.

Dave- that last bit seems laughable now.

My eyes began to water. Dave had been beaten? For years? And no one stepped in to help him? I couldn’t imagine how horrible that must have been.

Dave- god I was an idiot. I always thought that I was going to make it out of that apartment alright. Summer had just begun and high school was over and I had my acceptance letter and dammit I could taste freedom in the wind

Dave- but I did die there, so close to being free and that’s the fucking joke here. There’s the punchline. I’m fucking dead and I have no one but myself to blame.

Dave- I’ll give him this- he didn’t mean to actually kill me. Not like that. I’m not saying it was a mistake or anything but he never meant for it to go that far and for me to fucking bite it. That was partly my fault. I should have been faster but my sword just slipped out of my hand and I just wasn’t fast enough.

Sword? What did he mean sword? Like, an actual blade? Oh God, did his brother hit him with actual weapons?

Dave- we were on the roof strifing again and I was just too slow. His sword caught me across the chest real bad and motherfuck that son of a bitch hurt and holy shit there was blood everywhere and I staggered back but the edge of the roof was right there right fucking there and god I’m an idiot and I fucking fell right off the goddamn roof and I was falling for forever like holy fucking shit I was falling forever and then there was more red but no pain and holy fucking shit I think I might be dead now.

I could not breathe. There wasn’t a single drop of blood left in my body. Everything had gone cold. 

Dave- so yes guess what john? I died. I’m dead now because my older brother slit me open with a fucking sword and I fell thirty stories onto hot pavement below and probably landed on a cat or something. Like if the universe decided to fuck me over why the hell not some random ass cat as well?

Dave- I was dead but like my ghost or whatever it is that’s talking to you right now was there but not really because everything was too dark and indistinct and I hadn’t put two and two together yet because I was still convinced that I was going to live forever.

I could imagine it clearly in my mind. The roof, the drop. The blood.

(Oh God look at all that blood. I can’t believe someone took a picture of that.)

Dave- I don’t know what happened to Bro. They probably slapped a pair of handcuffs on him before my corpse finished cooling. I still feel awful thinking this but it serves him right. He was a shitty person and prison serves him the fuck right.

Dave- so how does that make you feel john? How do you feel knowing that I was some fucked up kid from Texas too stupid and stubborn to leave an abusive household and got my ass killed for it in the end because I was never close enough to anyone for them to figure it out before it was too late?

Dave- like what the hell

Dave- I lived in Texas. Why the hell did no one notice why I never wore short sleeves? It was 100 degrees out and there I was in some long sleeved shirt and no one batted a goddamn eye. 

Dave- and I was stupid for never letting anyone know except for rose and CG because maybe if more of my friends had known maybe they could have talked some sense into me.

Dave- like why?

Dave- Why?

Dave- Why did it take me dying to open up about this. Heh. I guess dying’s one hell of a way to sober up.

John- Jesus dave

John- what do you want me to say

I didn’t think I could speak right now. If I was asked to talk aloud I might start crying.

Dave- theres nothing to say I just

Dave- I just want someone to know that I tried

Dave- I tried my hardest to make it out and in the end if that wasn’t enough then fate or destiny or whatever can go fuck itself because goddamn.

Dave- who’s the patron saint of dead teens because they’re full of shit and I want a refund.

John- Dave…

Dave- no john don’t you dave me

Dave- I know already

Dave- I just wish that it had been enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this chapter's longer than others. I was trying to get all the heartbreak out of the way at once. This will be exactly nine chapters long and I will continue posting once a day until I reach the end.  
> I typed this originally in word, with the proper text colors and everything, but on here the format was straight up screwed, so that's a pain to fix and why I reference text colors when everything is black.  
> Kudos to you if you read all that without feeling like gouging out your eyes with a rusty spoon, because you did better than I did while writing this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Five is up, and that means we've passed the halfway point! Yay!  
> For those in the comments, I'm sorry if the feels were unexpected. Those were the worst in my opinion, and while the emotional pain is not over, I'd say that the worst has passed.

After that seven couldn’t come fast enough. Dave was mostly silent and I texted Jade all afternoon as a distraction. She said that was feeling lonely and I guessed that was my fault. I was all she had but I’d been spending time trying to solve the Dave enigma and I guess I was leaving her out. I made up my mind to spend more time with her and invited her over to hang tomorrow.

At seven on the dot I received quite a surprise as Trollian came online.

Trollian Chat Client:

TwinArmageddons(TA)- EB who the fuck are you?

TA- ii traced your computer’s address and iits somewhere iin washiington and we all know dave liived iin texas so how the fuck diid you know him?

Dave- yeah don’t act surprised. He’s the group’s hacker and can probably hack your system to hell and back if your facts don’t line up so be careful. I don’t want to be responsible if your computer explodes.

John- Can he do that?! Should I be worried?

Dave- naw the only computer he blew up was CG’s, and that was a joke that went wrong. Don’t worry you’re perfectly safe. (Not really)

John- Ahhhhhh!

Back online,

GrimAuxillatrix (GA)- Yes I Quite Agree With Sollux. Can You Tell Us Your Name And How You Knew Dave Ecto?

EctoBiologist(EB)- Yeah sure I guess. My name’s John and I might not have known Dave for as long as some of you but I would call him a great friend.

EB- We knew each other because I downloaded Trollian a few months back and he reached out every once and a while to help me out. I was new here and didn’t know anyone else yet.

EB- And should I assume that everyone here has looked at whatever link it was that TT posted earlier? Are we all on the same page now?

John- was that a good story because I literally just thought of it and I hope its not stupid

Dave- nope, I think they’ll buy it. Nice thinking john

TentacleTherapist(TT)- If you were such new friends how did you know what had happened to him if we all were still in the dark? Not even my mom knew what had happened to him. It was a shock to us all.

TT- She hasn’t stopped crying all night. She blames herself for not doing more to help.

EB- Uh, I guess when he stopped messaging me I got worried? I didn’t think much of it at first until time started to fly by and I still heard not a peep from him. It was weird, you know? Normally he never shut up.

EB- I just couldn’t help thinking that something was wrong, so I snooped around online until…

EB- You know,

EB- He’d told me where he lived and I knew he was the same age as me. It didn’t take a genius to figure out it was him.

ArachnidsGrip(AG)- Well I think his brother was a right piece of shit and deserved what happened to him. They should have made a worse example of him. A single life sentence as the maximum sentence? Why not eight? If you want to send a message to abusers out there you have to take a stand.

GallowsCallibrator(GC)- I find myself in the odd position of actually, and these words stick in my mouth, actually agreeing with Vriska. Now I know it’s real and Dave is really gone because I’m certain that the world is ending. Also, he might not even get that. The murderous scumbag might get off with the lightest sentence of 20 years for manslaughter. He’s saying it was an accident.

TT- We all know and agree with the unfairness of the legal system in regards to cases like this, but hopefully the plethora of evidence in Dave’s apartment and his body condition at the time of death will provide the means to secure a life sentence.

AG- I hope they burn him at the stake, the fucker. Doesn’t Texas still do executions?

ArsenicCatnip(AC)- I’m really sad that Dave’s dead. I was looking forward to meeting him in purrson and now I know that won’t happen and it makes me upset.

AC- We were going to have so much fun…

ApocalypseArisen(AA)- John, thank you for delivering to us the news of Dave’s death. You didn’t have to but you did and I will remember that.

TT- And I will as well. I cannot thank you enough.

TA- Hey, where the fuck iis Karkat?

TA- iif he thinks ii won’t beat hiis griieving ass for not beiing here then he’s about to get a huge surpriise.

CaligulasAquarium(CA)- Now that I’d like to see.

GA- The Monitor Says That He Is Not An Idle User So He Must Be Listening In On Us.

I typed Dave a quick message.

John- Karkat?

Dave- CarcinoGeneticist

John- Karkat? Like, beep beep meow?

John- dave all your friends have such weird names.

Dave- shut up Egbert, like you have room to judge

TerminallyCapricious(TC)- Now I can aNswer tHat quEstIon.

TC- Karbro’s all freaking the MotherFuck out at Dave bein dead and ShiT. Says He Might not talk much Until his HEad cools down enough to taLk to People nice and such.

TT- Thank you for seeing to him for us Gamzee. 

TT- And Karkat, if indeed you are reading this, please know that we all are here for you. You can take your time but please try not to shut us out.

TC- yeaH Bro, Don’t be sHuttin us the MotherFucK out and shit

TC- Shit’s not healthy

AdiosToreador(AT)- uH, I also find myself sad that Dave is dead. Out of all of us, it always seemed like he was the only who knew where he was going and I’m having trouble putting together the him I had like, uh, in my head, and the one they’re saying he was online into the same person.

CentaursTesticle(CT)- I am also having similar problems, and like Tavros I always saw Dave as one of the strongest people I knew. I cannot imagine him as being abused in such a way. It seems so against his nature.

TT- Thank you both for opening up because it brings about an important point.

TT- Dave may have had some secrets, but we here are the ones that knew him best.

TT- I believe that he kept these things secret to protect us. He did not want us to see him as the boy abused by his guardian and I think that is why he hid the truth from most of us. Instead it is up to us to remember him as the friend that we knew him as. The media has not kept true to either Dave or his story and this is important for us to remember.

I’d been reading all of these silently, seeing how each was affected by Dave’s death. For the first time I believed it when Dave called these kids his family.

EB- Hey TT, you were his cousin right?

TT- That is correct, though the statement is stained with a certain amount of shame after recent events.

EB- Did you ever meet him in real life? What was he like?

TT-He was simply the single most alive person that I had ever met. He was always so driven and focused and full of energy.

She went on for quite a while, and everyone was listening in as she wove story after story about a boy named Dave who was going to change the world.

I silently read along as others began to share stories of their own, and every now and then Dave would quip in on my phone and everything was perfect. They would joke and angst and brilliantly remember their friend Dave and who he was to them until I felt like an outsider spying into something private and sacred. There were several times that I had to look away from the screen and take a deep breath before reminding myself that I was still alone in my room, because it felt like they were all right there with me.

We spoke for hours, until well after midnight when I could barely keep my eyes open. Right there at the end, when we were all saying goodbye and getting ready to log off for the night, there was one final message.

CarcinoGeneticist(CG)- THANK YOU FOR SHARING THESE.

“CarcinoGenetisist has become an idle user”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwww Karkat I honestly can't with him. He's too perfect.  
> Anyway, this is another buildup chapter and is slower and shorter than the rest. Sorry about that, but you can't expect every single chapter to punch you mercilessly in the soul like Four did.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some more plot.

John- Hey Jade? When you come over this morning can you not bring Bec? I know we both love him but I want to tell you something and I do not think that he will react well to it.

Jade- You want me to leave Bec behind? Aww, he will be so sad and lonely though: (

Jade- But alright, only because you asked and I trust you. I find it kind of weird that you think Bec will not like whatever it is that you have to say but that is ok because I will be there!

John- Thanks jade, I will see you in a few minutes!

Jade- ok I will be there soon.

It was only a few seconds later that Dave began to rapidly text me.

Dave- dude what are you talking about

Dave- are you planning on telling her about me because I do not think that’s a good idea. That’s like, the exact opposite of a good idea. This idea is so far away from a good idea that it doesn’t have the same zip code as a good idea. 

John- No don’t worry. I would never tell jade without asking you first

Dave- As much as I appreciate your honesty john, that’s not the big mystery here. Why are you acting all shady?

I groaned and yanked the hood of my hoodie back over my head as I made my way downstairs. I sent Dave one last message and hoped that it would be enough to explain my discomfort.

John- college stuff

It had been several days since the online meeting with Dave’s friends, and I’d been talking more and more with them on my own. I was being absorbed into the group. I’d even downloaded a mobile version of the chat client so I could connect with them away from my computer. 

The large group chat was still running strong, but I was also in several individual chats. I was quickly becoming adept at keeping them all separate and organized. I’d even tweaked my profile a bit to be more individualistic and creative, and relied on Dave’s help to bypass some of the system’s more uniform settings in favor of several creatively hijacked versions.

From my room I could hear the doorbell ring, and Jade throw open the door so that it bounced off of the wall.

“I’m here!” she called out.

I ran downstairs, nearly bowling over Dad in my rush to greet my cousin.

“Sorry.” I said as he regained his balance. “Jade’s here.”

“So I heard.” He smiled and said, “Well, go talk to her.”

I sheepishly nodded and slipped by. Jade was waiting in the living room, fiddling with a figurine from off of the shelf.

“Careful with that.” I warned, “Dad loves those creepy things.”

She made a face. “It’s not creepy, it’s colorful and full of personality.” She defended the clown statue with a smirk so that I knew she was partly joking.

I sat on the couch, worrying my lip between my teeth again.

Jade sat beside me, crossing her legs and leaning back into the soft fabric.

“Why didn’t you want me to bring Bec?” she asked, looking at the ceiling.

I copied the movement and threw back my own head. Up above, the white washed popcorn ceiling seemed far away. “I didn’t want there to be any distractions.” I said, still not looking at her.

“Why not?”

I gritted my teeth. “Because summer is almost over and neither of us has a clue about which collage we’ll go to in the fall and I’m getting really worried about it.” 

And I think I’m failing at helping my dead friend move on. I kept that last thought to myself. If I thought more about it I was pretty sure I just might go insane. The thought had been playing on repeat in my skull for days.

Jade sighed and kicked off her shoes, settling in. She could tell this was about to be a long conversation.

“John, do you know what you want to do at college? Do you have an idea about your major yet?”

“No.” I said. The word contained all of the dread I’d been feeling. “What about you?”

“I’m thinking of going into robotics.” She said. “I think I might be good at it, and I have several schools that have accepted my into their robotics departments after I showed them Dream Me.”

Dream Me was a miniature robot of herself that Jade had constructed last year for a since project. It was a neat little bot and could respond to verbal commands and such. I secretly thought it was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. Jade was so awesome for building it.

“That’s so awesome Jade.” I forced excitement into my voice, not wanting my mood to get her down. “I think that’s great. Any school would be lucky to have you.”

“Thanks.” She said brightly.

“Which schools are you thinking about going to?” I asked nervously.

She listed several that I had also been accepted to, and several that I hadn’t heard of before.

I stayed silent. So did Jade. We both knew what was coming.

“Are we still set on going to the same school?” I asked quietly.

Jade sat up, and I followed her. My neck tingled from the awkward angle it had been in. Her eyes were so very green, like the earth itself was trapped in them and still growing vast landscapes of color.

“John, I don’t know.” She admitted as I picked at the arm of the couch. “I don’t want to leave you, you know I don’t.” She said.

“Yeah, I know.” I said, tearing at the arm of the couch until I’d clawed up a loose thread. “It’s just, we have been planning to go to the same school for what feels like forever, since we were kids. But now that it’s almost here it that plan seems so unrealistic and childish and I am afraid of going off to a different school and not knowing anyone there. I don’t want to be alone like that.” I said, the words pouring out of me in a rush.

“You are not going to be alone John!” Jade snapped. “I mean it, because wherever you go, I will be right there with you.”

Couldn’t she see that that was the problem?

“Ok.” I said dully, not wanting to argue about this right now. I was still too emotionally drained from the past few days for that.

Jade left soon after, and I wandered back upstairs to talk with Dave and Rose and the rest of them.

I talked to Rose about it. I don’t know why, but she seemed like a helpful person like that. Dave agreed with me. I needed some patented Lalonde help.

Trollian Chat Client:

EctoBiologist(EB)- hey rose, you and dave were the same age right?

TentacleTherapist(TT)- Yes, we were only a few months apart and in the same year of school.

EB- That is great. Does that mean that you’re looking into college stuff? I think I need some advice :/

TT- College does seem to be a popular topic these days as the gentle light of summer fades. I for one am excited by the possibilities before us, though I seem to be an isolated case. What is it that you’re having trouble with?

EB- well, my cousin and I made this deal when we were young that we would always go to the same college, but now the start of the new school year is almost here and neither of us knows which school to go to. I feel like if we wait longer we’ll miss our chance and I don’t want to make Jade wait another year just because I couldn’t make up my mind.

TT- Is that all?

EB-Yes

TT- John, I can tell that something else is the root of your problem. What is it that you’re not telling me?

EB- What! There’s nothing I am not telling you

Except the face that her dead cousin’s ghost was still hanging around, but that was beside the point.

TT- John, I can tell that something is bothering you very deeply. I don’t think this is a simple case of mixed decisions. I believe that the fact that you can’t make up your mind is merely a cover for deeper issues that you don’t want to face yet.

EB-…

TT- You can open up to me John, I remain an impartial and unbiased viewpoint.

EB- yeah thanks rose, that’s really helpful

TT- Avoiding the problem won’t make it go away John. That is what Dave always did and I am not letting you make the same mistakes that I could have helped prevent before.

EB- wow you are one ruthless girl rose.

EB- but ok you’re right. There might be something else bothering me.

TT- Pray tell.

EB- well, it’s just that Jade is so smart and focused and any college in the country would be glad to have her. She’s brilliant at robotics and science and engineering and I know she will do well wherever she goes, but she’s still dead set on attending college with me and I just know that I’m going to drag her down.

TT- What do you mean? 

EB- well, she’s good at so many things. I’m just lucky to have gotten a fair amount of acceptance letters on my own, but Jade, she has hundreds of options to choose from that I don’t and I know I can’t go to a big or good school and that’s what she deserves. She deserves to go off and be brilliant and successful because she’s good at so many different things and I’m…

EB- I’m just not.

EB- And I can’t stand the idea of me being what stops her from achieving all she could do on her own. That’s not fair to her and I won’t do it.

Dave had been silent this whole conversation, but now my phone erupted with message after message.

Dave- oh hells no john

Dave- you are good at so many things

Dave- don’t think like this man. Any school would be proud to have you.

Back online Rose at silently for a moment. It took a few seconds for her to respond.

TT- John, are you trying to tell me that you are afraid of dragging your cousin down with you because you do not believe that you are good enough to compete on her intellectual level?

EB- yeah way to rub it in

EB- nice touch rose

TT- John wait.

TT- I have only known you for a short two weeks, but that is by far long enough for me to judge your character and I know that you are not being fair to yourself.

TT- Jade might be good at science and robotics and engineering, but that does not matter to you. What is it that you are good at?

EB- Nothing. I am good at nothing. I am shockingly mediocre in all of my endeavors and will achieve nothing monumental with my life. 

TT- That sarcasm was a nice touch, but you still haven’t answered my question.

TT- What ideas do you have for a potential major?

EB- that wasn’t sarcasm rose and I have no idea what I want to major in or do with my life.

TT- Let’s start with this issue at the beginning. I refuse to believe that there is not a single thing that you are good at.

TT- Do you have any hobbies or other activities that you enjoy doing?

EB-…

EB- I cannot think of anything significant.

TT- That’s alright. It doesn’t have to be some big significant thing. Sometimes it’s okay for things to start out small.

EB- well, I like reading

EB- and playing games online

EB- but I can’t see how either of those will help me.

On my phone, Dave was at it again.

Dave- John

Dave- John john john john john john

Dave- no what the fuck john

Dave- tell her about you and piano

Dave- I might be no expert, but I could tell that you had some mad skill

Trollian Chat Client:

TT- Those are both good starts, but have you considered continuing with either options? I know of several career fields with employ reading and gaming. Does a game designer sound exiting to you?

EB- I’m not sure.

TT- That’s ok. We will only be freshman. We both have years to decide what we want to peruse. There’s nothing wrong with entering college undecided. We are still young and it’s ok to not have all of the answers.

EB- there is one thing I might be good at, but I don’t know if it will be good enough.

TT- What is it?

EB- I can play the piano decently. I guess I’m pretty good at it, but I know how competitive it is to be a musician and I don’t think I can compete.

TT- There you go comparing yourself to others again. With both Jade and this, making these types of comparisons will do nothing. It does not serve to compare one’s self to others John. Try your best and take things at your own speed and I can guarantee that you will find success.

EB- well thanks rose, and this time I mean it. But even if I decide to major or minor in music, I still don’t know which school to attend and the final deadline is next week. How can I make that type of decision in so little time?

TT- This might sound selfish and one-sided coming from me of all people, but have you considered attending school with us? We will all be attending Skia College and State University this fall as a chance to actually meet and go to school with each other. It’s a grand opportunity and it’s a good school. I would be honored if both you and your cousin Jade decide to attend as well.

EB- holy shit Rose are you being for real right now?

EB- that’s,

EB- I can’t think of what to say.

EB- can I take some time to think about it?

TT- I would expect you too. It’s a big decision and I don’t want you being rash. Take some time to look up the school and see if it would be a good match for both of you.

EB- okay I think I will. Thanks so much! I’ll talk to you later

TT- Alright John, I’ll hold you to that.

EB- it’s a good thing we’re pausing now anyway. It looks like cotton candy barfed all over my screen.

TT- That it does John, that it does. 

“EctoBiologist(EB) and TentacleTherapist(TT) have become Idle users.”

I quickly texted Dave.

John- what do you think?

Dave- holy shit, rose has done it again. Solved everything with one simple solution. Its perfect.

John- ok hold on let me look it up.

I googled the school.

Two hours later after the most intense googling session of my life, I sat back in semi-shock. Skia seemed perfect. It even had a robotics program ranked highest in the country, and a small but decent music program. The four year school wasn’t too small, and was situated outside of some small city called Prospit just outside of Boston. 

The only problem was Jade and I lived in Washington state. It was so far from home.

Both of our families knew that we would probably attend a distant school, but this was on the other side of the country.

I swiped off my glasses and ran a hand over my eyes. They ached from so long spent staring at my monitor. My mind was racing as be began to put the pieces together and saw that this might actually work. Dave was right, Rose might have just solved at least 50% of my problems in one go. Wow.

I held my breath as I checked out the cost of attendance, but surprise made me gasp out a sound of relief. I’d have to pay out of state tuition, but it seemed doable.

Could this really be happening? Would I actually go to school with Jade and meet all of my new online friends in person and actually enjoy it? Could that actually happen?

It seemed too good to be real.

I called Jade immediately. If we were both in line with this, we had work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hides actual life lessons in fanfiction".  
> Yes, as a college student, I can promise that its okay to be wary of the first year of school and that its okay to not have all of the answers. I know I didn't last year. Don't let that stop you.  
> Oh, and if anyone was wondering why John's language gets progressively worse as the story goes on, Dave's a bad influence ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapter was posted so late. AM shift kicked my butt this morning and I had to wait until after classes to post this.  
> Anyway, there's only two chapters left before we reach the end.

I sat down on the smooth wooden bench and gently set my fingers on the black and white keys. They trembled slightly with nerves, but I forced them to be steady. I had to get this right.

It was so late now into the summer that Skia College, while overjoyed to immediately accept Jade after they saw Dream Me and promptly signed her onto their robotics team, found themselves out of space for another new student on such short notice. My only hope for acceptance was to win a music scholarship, and my audition piece was kicking my ass.

I tried again, fingers smoothly nailing the peaceful intro bars, but the middle section and its insanity hit and my hands couldn’t keep up. They slid sideways in a senseless spasm, hitting keys dissonantly on their fall out of place as I slid off the key and stopped again, gritting my teeth in frustration. I just couldn’t seem to get it right.

“That one sounded better son!” Dad called from his place in the living room. I heard him ruffle his newspaper. “I think you’re getting the hang of it.”

I ignored him, focusing again on the section I was having trouble with and taking it slowly, just trying to be right if not up to speed. Better, but still not right. This was going to take some work.

Dave was trying to be helpful as well, but his encouragement was mainly him rapping about clocks or something.

John- can you stop it please. I’m trying to concentrate

Dave- yeah that’s what I’m doing, helping you concentrate. Enter that Zen zone and get this shit done. You are going to kick Bach’s ass and rise to the top of the piano food chain like a goddamn lion.

John- yeah right. I don’t think I can do this dave. I’ve never played anything this hard before

Dave- but you already know, like, 70% of it. Its just that one part that keeps giving you shit

John- maybe, but this is hard shit dave. I’m in too deep. I don’t think I can climb out of this one

Dave- then I’ll get a fucking shovel and start digging

I sighed and tried again. And again. And again.

And again.

I couldn’t do this. It was just too hard. I wasn’t good enough.

I left the piano, yelling “I’m taking a break!” as I stomped back upstairs. I threw myself into my bed and kicked off my shoes as I wrapped the fluffy blue comforter around myself. I wasn’t good enough. Jade would have to leave me behind and it was all my fault.

Dave- come on man, don’t give up

Dave- you can do this, I believe in you

John- I can’t, I just can’t dave. There’s not enough time left

Dave- of course there is. There’s plenty of time

John- that’s easy for you to say, you’re dead. You have all the time in the world.

I typed the words out in a fit of frustration, then immediately regretted them.

Dave-…

Dave-…

Dave-. . .

John- Dave?

John- Dave I’m sorry. I was being a dick, I didn’t mean that.

Dave- no that’s not it john, you’re wrong.

Dave- I don’t have all the time. I can feel it running out

John- what do you mean?

I sat up again, my frustration forgotten, holding my phone tightly as words crawled across the screen.

Dave- John, I am not permanent.

My throat immediately felt tight again. I didn’t want to lose Dave, not like this.

Dave- Everything is fading now. I’m not me enough to last much longer. When I’m not talking with you, I loose time. It’s funny. Once time was like my thing but now it’s turned against me.

John- Dave, I don’t know what else to do to help you. I did everything that might have let you move on. I don’t know what I left out. We contacted your friends! They know what happened to you now.

Dave- I know, I know John

Dave- this is all my fault

John- what do you mean by that

Dave- I’ve known for a while now why I’m still here.

John- What?

John-Why dave? Why? 

Why hadn’t he told me earlier if he knew? There was a long moment when I feared that Dave had stopped talking and I’d scared him off or messed him up or maybe he’d just gone and I’d failed, but then…

Dave- Three things.

Dave- There were three things left unsaid when I died.

Dave- We’ve only done two of them.

John- What?

Dave- One was I had to open up to someone about Bro and how horrible he was, and that was you John. I told you about him, and that was the first thing. The second was letting my friends know what happened to me, and again, we both did that. There’s only one thing left I have to say.

John- well, what is it?

Dave- I died before I could admit something to someone, that’s it. But I don’t know how to do it. I keep thinking and thinking and it seems impossible.

John- what is it? What do you need to do?

Dave- I need to tell Karkat that I love him.

John- what?

Dave- … I died before I ever got to say those words to him, and I’m a fucking coward for not admitting it while I was alive. I’d planned how I was going to, once school had started and we could meet face to face again, but then I died without ever telling him the truth about how I felt.

Dave- so that’s it. Three things I died while keeping secret, so three things brought into the light before I can pass on or really die or whatever it is that comes next. Man, even while I’m dead irony’s still a bitch.

Dave was gay? But I thought he’d dated Terezi? Oh God, did that mean Karkat was gay? What if he wasn’t and Dave was pining after someone who didn’t love him back? Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God.

John- Did Karkat know how you felt?

Dave- yes, I’m certain he did, but I never had the balls to tell him.

I breathed out a sign of relief. Okay, so Karkat knew. One problem down.

John- how do we tell him? I can’t exactly just say “Hey Karkat? You know Dave loved you right? He told me personally before he died, I promise”

Dave- no, we can’t. And I don’t think that would work. This is something that I have to say to him, personally, but I’m dead so obviously I can’t actually do that.

John- can we fake a love letter or something? Say it got lost in the mail.

Dave- No that would never work. Plus you couldn’t hope to copy my handwriting.

John- okay, do you have any other ideas?

Dave- just one, and it’s a dozy. You ready?

John- hit me

Dave- so its like this. I have to actually say the words to him, but I’m dead as shit. So, how can I talk to him from beyond the grave? You were onto the right track with your love letter idea, but not quite. 

Dave- I’ve been thinking, and there might be a way to do this, but it will take a lot of work and a lot of time and some slight hacking skills. Are you up for that?

John- tell me what you need me to do already dammit

Dave- you need to log on to my Trollian profile.

I lunged for the computer and brought up the login screen

Dave quickly gave me the login info.

Dave- username’s TurntechGodhead, password’s lil’dipshits

A moment later I was at his homepage, which was covered in old messages asking where he was from everyone and newer ones leaving respectful remarks as they paid tribute to him. I didn’t remark about his username or password. Now wasn’t the time.

Dave- now go to journals

I followed his instructions, bringing up the completely blank tab. I’d never used this setting before, and neither had Dave, it seemed.

Dave- ok, so here’s my idea. We fake it. We fake everything to hell and back. We fill this bitch up with my life and then we fucking drop it on them.

John- how?

Dave- I can walk you through how to hack into the system’s settings and allow for a care package to drop after so long spent idle. It’ll spit out the entire journals contents onto the group chat for everyone to see. It will be complete bullshit but I think we can do it.

John- you want me to fake an entire online journal for you?

Dave- yes

John- and then computer hack and bullshit our way into dropping the virtual contents onto the group chat?

Dave- yes

John- all while keeping it completely secret and somehow fooling everyone, even your hacker friend Sollux?

Dave- yes.

John- then lets fucking go. Tell me where you want me to start.

I was ready for this. I was so ready. Excitement filled me. This would take a lot of work, but if it worked then it would be worth it.

Dave- first we bullshit the settings into letting us date the entries whatever date we want, go back three years for authenticity reasons, and work forwards from there.

The task took hours and thousands of thousands of words. I skipped dinner that night and stayed up writing out the complete bibliography of Dave Strider.

I’d never had such a single-minded focus before. I didn’t get distracted or take breaks or anything. This was a 12 hour straight session with the entire summer on the line.

When morning broke we’d finished. I had never typed so much in my life, but under Dave’s careful instruction the previously blank journal had been filled with a series of believable entries copied word for word from Dave himself. It took over 12 hours and 413 pages, but we did it.

I’d just written what amounted to an entire novel in one sitting and my fingers were about to drop off and roll away before I could abuse them anymore, but whatever. We’d done it.

It had been such an intense mental and emotional workout that I’d broken into a sweat.

It was hard.

It was very, very hard to read what Dave texted me and then type it out for him onto the page. What Dave filled his journal with was hard for me to write down. Sometimes it got graphic and deep and wildly too personal but it was always so perfectly and utterly Dave. This was his story.

Some entries detailed what Bro had done to him that day, in a straightforward and analytical manner that left absolutely nothing out. Those were filled with swords and fists and blood and yelled words what might just have been what hurt the most. Some of them were filled with meaningless drivel about school and his day and why he had decided to abandon doing his homework that night because he thought two of his fingers might be broken. Some of them were filled with angsty longing and anger and love and rage and a helpless form of hope. Some of them were nothing but him rapping about anything from the economical state of America to himself to why he thought birds migrated and why he wanted to follow them.

There was even one solely dedicated to his love of apple juice and why he thought it was a remnant of childhood abuse, because that was all he ever had to drink growing up and he thought that it was the only drink that existed beside the water he snuck out of the sink at night.

It was a story about him growing up, three years cut out of his life and flayed raw onto the screen. It was a story about his constant fear of ambush and abuse and learning how to hide the scars and how to move past them and still smile and laugh and joke. It was a story about how much he loved his Trollian friends and how much they meant to him.

There was a section specially labeled for each of his Trollian friends, and under each name a detailed and thoughtful breakdown of what he thought of them and what that meant. He left nothing out. There was even one for me, which nearly made me break down right then and there.

The one about Karkat was the worst. It was what took the longest and my brain ached at the thought of what was written there, a final declaration of a love that would not be broken.

It was hard to read, and even harder to write down. These journal entries were so brutally honest and so Dave that I swear it hurt with a physical pain.

And, just like Dave himself, the story had no ending. It cut off just as Dave began to actively believe in the future and his own escape and the freedom that was so close. The entries just stopped without warning, and then there was nothing.

John- How do you want me to do this Dave?

Dave- set the timer to 90 days, then hit enter.

We’d already calibrated it perfectly so the dates would match with his actual date of death. Not even Sollux would see anything wrong with that, and hopefully it would stop him from investigating if everything was in perfect order.

John- are you ready?

Dave- yes.

John- what do you think will happen when I hit the button? Will you just vanish? Will I talk to you again? 

Dave- I don’t know John. I don’t know what will happen to me, but whatever it is- I’m ready.

Dave- thank you so much for being there for me. I’ll never get to thank you enough, if this is our goodbye.

A part of me didn’t want this to be goodbye at all. Over the summer I’d grown to love Dave, maybe not in the way he loved Karkat, but as a brother. The emotion of my personal journal entry was still to fresh in my mind for the idea of him being gone to not leave a wound.

But I couldn’t let that stop me. The phrase from earlier, Dave- I am not permanent, ran through my mind.

I typed out what might have been my final message.

John- I’m so thankful to have known you Dave. I will never get to express how grateful I am to have known you.

Dave- Me too. Thanks again, so much. Now, goodbye John. Hit the button. Let’s do this.

I hit enter, and sent the care package out. Instantly, I saw it appear online in the group chat.

Trollian Chat Client:

TurntechGodhead(TG)- if you are reading this, then I’m sorry to tell you this but I’m probably dead.

TG- What you are seeing is a pre-recorded message I set to drop after 90 days of no activity on my part. So I’m sorry if you're reading this right now. This is my swan’s song, my grave announcement. This is probably the last anyone will ever hear from me so you’d better fucking pay attention. I’m trying not to make this a dramatic announcement or some Thoreau’s last bitter analysis of the human awareness so listen up.

TG- I don’t know how or when or why, but if you see this, just know that I never meant for this to happen. It could have been an accident, but probably not. Hopefully I was hit by a bus and am I am coma somewhere, probably not enjoying life as a vegetable. So, below you will find a comprehensive list of my entire life’s story. It should tell you everything you need to know about everything I haven’t had the strength to tell you about before. God this is hard. Even as I write this and hope this will never be necessary and that I’m just being paranoid I can’t think of what to say. What is there to say?

TG- It’s not like people are meant to have a death plan like this. We’re all just moving through the world on our own, dealing with all the shit life throws at us. I have some bad shit, but that doesn’t make this ok. This is not alright. I am not alright, and now if I am dead when you’re reading this then here’s your answer to where I’ve been. I wasn’t all who you thought I was, but I never lied. I am still me, so if this is the end please keep that in mind.

TG- God what am I thinking? Its not like anyone will ever see this. Once I get to school and away from Bro I can just delete everything and straight up purge this from my hard drive forever. But I guess a part of me is still afraid, and that part is scared shitless if I die without ever telling me side of the story. I guess this is me, trying not to let that happen.

TG- Anyway, if you’re reading this then everything you need to know can be found below. Its me, finally opening up and telling the world about everything that I never did. Hopefully I can delete this entire folder in the future and never need it, but just in case…

TG- Please forgive me. I never wanted it to end like this.

“Click to open Journals”==>

John- Dave, are you still there?

Instantly the journal began getting hits as everyone noticed that bright red text they hadn’t seen in so long. I turned the monitor off. I didn’t want to see it right now, and it would take time for everyone to comb through the entire journal anyway.

John- Dave, can you hear me?

John- Dave?

John- DAVE!!!!

There was no answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the cliffhanger (Not really).   
> This is the chapter I'm most unsure about. The entire writing montage just reads weird and I'm not sure if it's in character enough. Bleh. Hopefully I will continue getting better at this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God there's only one chapter left after this one. Time flies when you're breaking hearts.

I didn’t get out of bed. I hadn’t slept the entire night before and tried to sleep now, but my eyes would not close. Dad came up to check on me when I didn’t appear for breakfast. He found me staring blankly at the wall, wrapped in blankets like I was freezing.

Everything was breaking apart inside of me. I was a storm cloud being ripped apart by the wind. I was nothing.

“John, why are you still in bed? You look horrible. Are you feeling sick?”

I blinked, and my eyes felt sticky. I couldn’t speak, there was a sizable lump in my throat and it hurt when I swallowed.

“No sir, I don’t think I’m sick.” I said, and my voice nearly broke right then. Dad heard my shaky tone and slowly sat at the foot of my bed.

“What’s wrong son?” He asked carefully. “Is it that piano piece that’s been giving you trouble?”

I shook my head, eyes watering. I checked my phone one last time, hoping there had been some kind of response. When I saw there was nothing, I decided to speak.

“Do you remember my friend Dave?” I asked, not moving.

Dad was confused, but then his expression cleared. “Yes, I do” He said carefully.

I tried to say something, but nothing came out. I swallowed thickly and tried again.

“He died.” I said simply, and then I broke.

Throughout this entire time, this whole summer, I had never cried for Dave. Not even once.

I had come close to it several times before, and now every single withheld tear came surging forward, and with them came a garbled explanation to Dad. I told him the honest truth about most things, barring only the fact that Dave was dead the entire time I knew him. I made it sound like his death was a more recent occurrence. I even told him about my new Trollian friends and the college and the scholarship and dammit why did Dave have to be dead? Why?

I’d known this entire time, but now I was heartbroken to never hear from him again. He might have been dead before, but now he was just gone. I should be happy, I’d done my job and helped him to pass on, but the selfish part of me missed the friend I had known.

Heartbroken. I was heartbroken.

The entire mental roller-coaster of a summer’s worth of emotional pain came crashing down in that moment, on the bed with my father. I cried like I hadn’t cried in years. I couldn’t even remember crying like this before and I didn’t care that I was 17 and wasn’t supposed to cry. I fucking bawled like a third grader and I was not ashamed.

When the storm had subsided I felt better, purer somehow. Like once I’d cried everything out I could start over from the beginning or at least see through to the horizon instead of drowning in an unending wave of sorrow. 

In a way, I thought, crying was like burning. It cleared out all of the crooked pain so that the landscape of my heart was bare again. Raw, yes, but ready to start again.

God it felt great. Years’ worth of emotional clutter, gone in a single cleansing moment.

Dad had been shocked by my tears, but after I got into my story he seemed to understand that I’d lost someone close to me and had been keeping a lot of deep shit from him, so he let me cry until the tears stopped and then baked me a cake like he had done when I was younger and upset to the point of tears.

I ate some of it, then I slept for eight hours straight, and when I woke up I immediately went online to deal with the crap I knew I’d find there.

It was an utter mess. By now everyone had read through most or all of Dave’s journal and was in varying degrees of emotional distress over it.

It was too hard for me to read what they were saying, so I left a few short messages to act like this was all news to me and then I logged out and called Jade and told her everything like I’d told Dad.

No more secrets. I’d had one summer’s worth of them and now I was done.

Then I went over to the piano and sat down, pulling the audition piece in front of me and staring it down.

I read over the familiar notes again and sat my hands into place.

I had just typed out the bibliography of a murdered friend and faked three years’ worth of journal entries to do so. I had helped the soul of a dead friend to pass on to what came after. I was going to go to school with Jade and the rest of my friends. I was going to get through this. I was going to be okay. I had dug through levels of shit so dark and so deep and come out onto the other side in one piece.

This piano audition piece was nothing compared to that. It was so out of league with the shit I’d been dealing with recently that it was almost laughable.

I took a deep breath, and started to play with fingers that still ached and hurt from an entire night spent typing- and I fucking nailed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't have the words right now to express how grateful I am at the support this has gotten. Thank you all.  
> I'm so close to the end. Tomorrow's it. Let's do this.  
> Let's keep reading.  
> Let's see if this story can have a happy ending.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're doing it. We are ending this story. Get ready for your happy ending people.  
> Warning! This chapter is a major feels trip. Be ready. Wear a helmet if that makes you feel more prepared and please keep the tissues directly beside you at all times.  
> Enjoy.

Summer was over and school was starting. We had carpooled all the way to Prospit Mass. and Skia College and State University in a cross-country road trip for the ages. Me, Jade, Dad, and Jade’s Grandpa all crammed into my Dad’s small car and off we were to newer and better things.

They had both dropped us off solemnly but with fatherly pride, and we waved as they drove away. It was an odd feeling, the realization that I was now on my own. Once, the thought would have been terrifying, but now I was eager to bear the weight of such responsibility. I had grown strong enough to bear it.

I’d filmed myself playing my audition piece and sent it in for review just after the day I’d first played it correctly. I’d had to wait some time to completely change the ending of the song because I hated it. It never fit and was too abrupt, so I’d fixed it by writing my own ending, something soft and windy and filled with mourning that ended the way all things should- with a single note that refused to fade away. Musicians respected one making a piece their own, and I didn’t care about the risk or whether or not they “liked” it. It was something I had to do. In my head, I’d named the ending after Dave.

And it had worked. I’d made it in, and on top of that I’d been randomly assigned a roommate and would meet them today at student orientation. I’d already met Rose and Sollux and Aradia and most of the others. Terezi was surprisingly blind, and Tavros was wheelchair-bound, but I didn’t care and neither did they.

Meeting them in person just felt like a formality at this point. I already knew each of them so well.

They were just as odd and random a bunch of people to ever meet in real life as they were online, and the first time Sollux and Eridan had met face to face they decided to punch each other. It was not unexpected, and everyone but those two laughed.

I also met Kanaya, who was Rose’s girlfriend. The two of them and Jade had hit it off right away; they were going out for lunch later.

The only two people to not have been at our pre-designated meeting place on campus had been Karkat and Gamzee. They weren’t there, even though they both had still decided to attend Skia College.  
If I were Karkat, I might have changed my mind about coming here. I didn’t want to imagine what failed dreams this day would have held for him.

So that left me, sitting on a bench in the college courtyard under a banner decorated with card suits as I waited to be called forward by several upperclassmen with megaphones and bullhorns.

“John Egbert?” A voice rang out through a megaphone as I made my way to the front of the line to pick up a yellow envelope. I hastily tore it open and saw a familiar name next to “Roommate”.

Karkat Vantas.

Speak of the devil.

No fucking way. 

I kept reading. My dorm was down some hall named English and I had room #413. It took a while for me to find it, and after I unlocked the door I found that half of the room had already been neatly unpacked and organized. Karkat must be here, but not present in the room. I opened the Trollian app on my phone and sent him a quick message.

Trollian Chat Client:

EctoBiologist(EB)- Hey karkat, did you know we’re roommates?

CarcinoGeneticist(CG)- ARE YOU SHITTING ME? YOU’D BETTER BE PULLING MY LEG ABOUT THIS EGBERT.

EB- No?

CG- THAT’S JUST GREAT. JUST FUCKING FANTASTIC.

I didn’t take it personally. Karkat was always an angry typer. 

EB- So where are you? I just got here and the room is empty.

CG- I’M OUTSIDE BY THE FOUNTAIN FUCKNUTS.

EB- Great! I’ll be right there so we can meet.

CG- NO WAIT THAT WASN’T AN INVATION.

“EctoBiologist has become an Idle User”.

CG- OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

“CarcinoGeneticist has become an Idle User”.

I made my way back down two flights of stairs and out to the fountain out front. The square was crowded with new students like me, so I wasn’t sure who exactly Karkat was. There were a lot of people out here. I sat down on the rim of the fountain, looking around for anyone that looked like a Karkat.

Maybe he would make this easy by wearing a sweater with his name across it or something. That would be convenient. 

In the end, I didn’t find him, but someone else found me. A tall lanky guy with the gauntest face I’d ever seen and a wild head of hair sauntered up to me and sat down like we were old friends.

“Uh,” I said, unnerved by how close the stranger was. “Are you Karkat?” I asked hopefully.

The guy smiled thinly. “Nah bro, ‘s not me, but I do know the guy.” He reached out a hand. “I’m his friend Gamzee.”

“Oh! You’re Gamzee.” I said, “I’m John Egbert.” I should have known that they would have been together during the meeting. They were awfully close online. It made sense. 

He looked at me blankly, but with something shifty behind his eyes. I saw he didn’t recognize the name.

“EctoBiologist.” I clarified, and his entire expression changed.

“Oh, yeah man. I know who you are motherfucker.” His being changed into something much friendlier and open, but still unconsciously unnerving. “Nice to meet you.”

We shook hands.

“Anyway, Karkart’s over there steaming about some shit. I’d be careful If I was you.” He warned, right before he slunk away into the crowd before I could ask him to point Karkat out.

Turns out I didn’t need him to. I quickly spotted a shorter guy in a black hoodie with an angry expression that looked permanently glued to his features, took a chance that it was him and walked over.

“Hi, I’m John.” I said, “Nice to meet you.”

He grumbled something unintelligible, then asked loudly, “Who the fuck are you?”

Bingo. This had to be him.

“Your roommate, EB.” I said, since that had helped with Gamzee.

“Of fucking course you are.” He said, scowling. “It’s not like the universe could pick anyone else to be my roommate.”

While he was talking I noticed that his eyes were a strange shade of crimson. They contrasted darkly against his tan skin and black hair. What the hell?

He must have noticed that I was staring.

“What?” he snapped. “You never seen eyes before?”

“No,” I said, then realized my mistake. “Yes?” I tried again weakly.

“Jesus.” Karkat said, pulling at his own hair before turning to walk away.

“Wait!” I said, and I lunged forward and caught the end of his sleeve.

“What the fuck? Get the hell off me you fucking shitstain of a waste of space. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Did you ever love Dave back?” I asked, the fabric of his sleeve falling from my fingers as he quickly snatched his arm away. His red eyes widened dangerously. Oh shit.

I never meant for those words to come out. They were a mistake that it was too late to take back.

Karkat seemed to swell with rage, and I prepared myself for complete verbal annihilation, but then the fight seemed to just go out of him. He considered me silently for a moment.

“Why did you ask?” he said, not exactly quietly, but not nearly shouting either. 

“I guess I just need to know.” I said honestly. He waited for me to continue, so I scrambled to find the right words to say.

“I never got to know him for as long as everyone else did.” I started. “I feel like I entered into a story without a happy ending.”

“You are seriously over-estimating my ability to give a fuck about anything that comes out of your mouth. Fuck off.” He said with finality. “You don’t get to know anything about me, or him, for that matter.”

“Yes I do.” I said, equally as final.

“Why? Will me loving him back will give this story a fucking happy ending?” Karat snapped angrily. If he had been calm before, he definitely wasn’t now. “What the actual hell man. There is absolutely nothing in existence that will ever make this story turn out alright, and if that’s what you think then somebody really needs to save you from your own toxic cluelessness.” He nearly spat the words at me.

“Did you?” I asked again, stepping closer.

“God just let it go! Alright, just let it go. Give it up already.”

“Nope.” I said, smiling. “We’re roommates, remember? I’ve got all year to bug you for an answer.”

I think he might have actually snarled at me, or made a noise similar to it.

“Yes, are you happy now? Yes I loved him back.” He admitted angrily. “But that doesn’t change anything, does it? He’s still fucking dead, the asshole.”

I laughed, because if I didn’t I might cry. I could hear the raw heartbreak in his voice, a depth of pain I’d never encountered before. No amount of anger, fake or real, could ever hide that fact.

“He loved you too.” I said. I needed for him to hear the words, as if me saying them aloud would make them more permanent and meaningful to him. I wished that I could have told him everything- about the phone and Dave and the entire scheme we’d cooked up together, because maybe that would have helped soothe Karkat’s pain but the words stuck in my mouth when I thought about admitting the truth.

There was no way he’d believe me anyway.

“I know he loved me too.” Karkat turned slowly back at me, the tension in the air between us fading.

“Did you ever meet him in real life?” I asked curiously, nearly despite to hear more about Dave and how he had been when he was alive.

“Once.” He said slowly, dragging the end of a sleeve down over his wrist. “I met him one time, maybe a few months before we graduated.” He shrugged roughly, hiding his pain behind his aggression. He bit at a fingernail. “Not that those few hours will ever be enough. My dad travels for work, and when he went to Dallas I tagged along. Dave snuck out to see me, and I snuck out to meet with him and everything was going fine until his brother caught us making out and kicked me out, and then the next day when Dave sneaks out to say goodbye he’s had the fucking shit kicked out of him.” Karkat laughed humorlessly. “He never told me what happened, but I always knew. I knew, hell, me and Rose both knew, and we did nothing.”

Karkat stood silently for a moment, before he cursed again and admitted, “I never expected him to actually die. To be honest, the very idea seemed impossible. He was always too alive to ever be dead. Dave was one of those permanent fixtures that never went away, and if the universe or fate or sheer fucked up rotten luck is what got him in the end then fuck it, because that proves that there is nothing divine or just about life. It fucks us, we die, the end. Close the fucking curtains, the story’s over.”

We stood in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say. I wasn’t sure if I believed Karkat’s dark outlook on life like that. Every time I learned something new about Dave, I felt like I had another piece of the puzzle fall into place. Dave had been such an impactful person on everyone he touched. All of our lives had been changed by just knowing him, but I felt like that would never be enough.

“You know,” I said reassuringly, “Rose is trying to get his journal published post-mortem, and Terezi said that there’s enough evidence in there to lock away his brother forever and ever. He might be gone, but Dave will help a lot of abused kids out there with the journal he kept.”

“But what about us?” Karkat sighed, raw honesty leaking into his voice. “I’d rather say fuck them and have him back.” The other boy swayed from one foot to the other, his voice growing tight. “He ruined my life when he died. We were going to be happy together and now he’s gone and there’s a hole ripped through my chest without him here.”

“I know.” I said.

“Fuck you Egbert for making me actually open up to your stupid fucking shitty face. I don’t know why I’ve told you any of this, I must be going insane from loss or something.” He shoved my shoulder then, not in a hard way, but in a fake-macho one. I felt like I’d just passed some test.

“That’s alright.” I said, shoving him back. “I think we all went a little crazy when he died.” For the first time, I felt a kind of friendship with Karkat.

“That douche-nozzle.” Karkat cursed suddenly. “Dropping that fucking care package like that. He was always a dramatic little shit.” He didn’t sound angry now, and I knew that we were moving past that.  
“Keeping that fucking journal, telling everyone exactly what he thought about us to the end. Some of that shit was private but he didn’t care. He never did care about what others thought of him.”

“I think that’s maybe why he did it.” I said, and I settled my glasses straighter on my nose to see if that helped bring things back into focus, because there was no way I was tearing up in public like this.

“What do you mean?” Karkat asked dully.

“I think he wrote those things as a last resort that he never meant to come into the light, but it did, so I think he decided to say “Fuck it, let’s get shit done” and planned this entire thing to let us know the real him, the personal core of him without all the avoided truths and constructed facades that he build around himself. He wanted us to know what he really felt, and he didn’t care if the world knew or just us few.”

“Hell Egbert, you’re starting to sound like Lalonde.”

“Thanks.”

“That wasn’t a complement idiot.”

“Yeah, I know” I agreed, and then, I saw something across the crowded square that should have been impossible.

I saw Dave.

I’d seen the pictures that Rose had sent me, and there he was, true to life in death with an old red and white tee with those stupid sunglasses covering half his face. I’d have said he was pale as a ghost, but even that wouldn’t do him justice. I could see the landscaping both behind and through him. The hairs raised at the back of my neck but in a good way. There he was. At last. 

I nearly tugged Karkat around to look at the amazing apparition, but a sudden voice in my ear stopped me.

“Don’t” it said. “He won’t see me.”

Dave? I thought the question aloud in my head incredulously and hoped that he could hear it.

“Yeah Jonny boy, I’m back for one last conversation, you just know I couldn’t keep myself away.” The voice was right in my ear, just as I’d imagined it so many times, even if the Dave I saw was across the square. I could hear Karkat talking about something in the background. My heart was pounding loudly.

“Anyway,” Dave said, just the barest breath of sound, “Thanks again. For everything.” Dave raised a hand in final farewell, I blinked and then there was a streak of light racing upwards, then just the normal light of the sun speckled over the pavement by the fountain. Everything seemed brighter now, more vivid. Like a weight had been lifted from the air itself.

Karkat was still talking, but I didn’t hear him. I was too busy thinking about an old friend.

That time when Dave had told me that he wasn’t permanent ran through my mind, along with everything his friends had said. Rose, Karkat, everyone had mentioned how permanent he was. How fixed into place yet always moving forward. A sudden thought struck me.

Dave had been wrong. He was permanent. As long as we lived, we would always remember him. He had changed me thoroughly in just the short time that I’d known him, and everyone else he’d ever come into contact with, and we would continue moving through life and changing things ourselves, so that Dave’s influence would grow and build and brightly shine. He would never truly be gone.

I knew I would never forget him.

Goodbye Dave, I thought. Thank you for everything.

Then I turned back to face all of the new friends that I had, and the future that I had him to thank for.

 

…

Trollian Chat Client

TurntechGodhead(TG).

(Profile)

==>Journals

(Find Entry labeled Karkat Vantas.)(Found.)(Would you like to view the contents of this entry?)  
...  
...  
...

(Yes.)

Karkat Vantas:

TurntechGodhead(TG)- 

And on the matter of a certain short and angry Karkat Vantas….

Dude. I don’t really know what to say to you. I hope when the time comes for me to say these words in person that I won’t fuck it up. I’m only writing this as a kind of practice, get my thoughts down on screen and such.

I don’t really know how to say this at all and it’s a weird feeling, like, out of all the words I can string together none of them sound right. I can rap about it and I can joke about it and I can finally admit it to myself, but how do I admit out loud that I love you?

People do that all the time, right?

I’m trying to keep my natural tendencies of assholery and general doucheness to myself here, and it’s actually a lot harder than I thought it would be, but hell, I’m going to do this right by you.

Karkat- I love you.

Nah, too cheesy. 

What about, Karkat, you mean the world to me. You matter so much to me that the idea of you is the only thing that keeps me going at times. I dream about you at night. I dream about running away from this shitty place and running to you like this was one of your sappy rom coms and it was our time to kiss in the rain and fall in love all over again.

And if you’re ever reading this and I never got the chance to say all of this to you in person because something bad happened to me then… well. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

Let’s hope that this journal isn’t my own personal black box, the only thing left after the ship goes down. I don’t want to think about it if that’s what this turns out to be. I want to hold onto my hope for just a little longer and hope that it will be enough.

Karkat, before I met you I swear I thought I had nothing to live for. My home life was fucked to hell and back and so was I because of it. I thought that I didn’t have the ability to ever care about anyone the way I care about you, and I think part of why it took so long for me to realize that I love you was because that thought still terrifies the living shit out of me. 

I’m not saying that I’m afraid of ever becoming like Bro, because let’s face it. That’s never going to happen. Period. 

But when I picture us living our lives together, because that’s how serious I am about loving you btw, I get scared. 

Maybe I’ll just fuck it up. Maybe I won’t be good enough for you. Maybe my demons aren’t the kind that can be killed.

But then I realized that I don’t care. I love you, and by God I am not going to do nothing about it.

You truly mean the world to me Karkat. I can’t count the nights when I watched your gray text through the screen and reminded myself that I wasn’t alone. I will never forget the way I felt when you were coming to visit me and I snuck out of the apartment to see you because I knew that the risk of being caught was worth it.

And it was. You were worth every bruise Karkat. I swear it.

Fucking hell. Still not right. Get it together strider.

God, this just reads as sloppy and wishful and far too honest. Like, god me, when did I become a lovey sap? I blame you Karkat. This is your fault, isn’t it? Asshole.

But anyway, thank you. Thank you so much for being there for me. For understanding about everything. For making me feel a little less broken.

You were one of the only other people to know about Bro. I want you to know this because I trust you. I trust you enough to let you know about what really hurts and scares and beats the shit out of me.

And I can’t forget that there is a chance that it’s you who will be reading this one day, instead of me deleting this and saying it to you in person.

If… if that’s what’s going on right now, I’m sorry. 

I’m so fucking sorry. I wish our circumstances could have been different and we could have met at some school in Virginia or in a coffee shop and I could have smiled at you from across the room and scrawled your name down my arm in black sharpie so I wouldn’t forget and put your phone number beside it. I wish we were neighbors and I had an actual family and we could have grown up together side by side in some small neighborhood where nothing bad ever happened. I wish we were college roommates who meet for the first time and slowly fall in love over the course of the schoolyear. I wish I wasn’t handed the life I’m in.

I wish fate would have made this easier on us.

I can’t wait to see you again this August. This year is going to be great. I know it will.

But, again, if I’m dead, just know that I love you. And that I care for you more than anything else in this world.

Nope, still cheesy. I’ve got to work out what I’ll actually say to you.

Maybe…

Maybe something like this…

Never in this world has any being ever cared for another like I for you. Now I’m not just  
gonna be one of those guys that gets sappy so listen well. I love you. That will never change.  
Give it ten or fifty years down the line once I’ve defeated my fears and admit that I love you and  
you me and we graduate school and start our lives together and it will be glorious. I will give  
Up everything to be with you. I will climb mountains and cross seas and shit that a hero of old  
never has done before. Maybe that’s what this life is like. Maybe that’s what I’m really   
gonna do. I’m gonna love you every day from when I wake up and when I sleep. I’m going to  
let go of all of my fears and deep insecurities and together we are going to make it.  
You are the best person in my life. I love you in a thousand different ways and each one lets me  
Down because I know that you deserve so much better. I’m working on deserving you still.

Now read the first line of every sentence there. Just read that whole fucking paragraph again.

Yes. That’s it. That’s how I’m going to do it. Shit, I’m a genius. Someone call the fucking press and get this on the evening news. That’s gold there. Motherfucking perfect.

I know that sometimes you get angry and like me you hide behind this facade you’ve created to protect yourself. We’re both too afraid of getting hurt by the world outside of ourselves. You hide behind your anger the way I hide behind my shades, and maybe that’s why we could both see through each other’s walls.

I know I’m just another dead kid named Dave to some people out there and by now there must be dozens of them, but know in this life, this universe, there is no existence in which I will not love you.

Maybe we’re all a little broken. Maybe we’re all a little bit messed up. Maybe life can be cold sometimes but it’s our job to move past that. Maybe sometimes things can break, and sometimes they can be fixed but sometimes they just can’t, so we break the parts of ourselves that want them whole again and we call that being strong.

Well I call that bullshit.

I’ve learned that holding everything in like that isn’t strength at all, no matter what everyone else wants us to think. In fact, doing so is just the opposite. Part of that realization is what prompted me to start this journal in the first place.

The world might have handed me a shitty hand but it’s my job to not let that stop me.

But that’s alright. I know that now.

The world outside my window is big and brilliant and frightening and I can’t wait to see it with you.

With an eternal love, Dave Strider.

 

 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In many ways I consider this chapter more of an epilogue than anything. I could have ended this at the end of chapter eight and everyone would have known there would have been a happy ending, but that wasn't enough for me. I needed to show exactly how things were, and that everything wasn't magically healed. There are still problems, but there is also a way to get through them. Things will get better.  
> Forgive me for embedding that Rick Roll there at the end, but its totally something Dave would do, admit it.  
> Thank everyone so much for reading this and for being a part of this story. Thank you all so much. This one's for you.

**Author's Note:**

> Kind of a terrible opening chapter, but I swear it gets better. I'll update a new chapter every day because I've actually already finished this, so rest assured that there will be an ending to this and it will update regularly. Feel free to leave suggestions in the comments or point out any mistakes I might have missed. I'm not the best editor, so I'm sure I missed something.


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